Erase and Install

My computer crashed...sort of...a few weeks ago.  I turned it on and nothing but a grey screen and a folder with a big question mark inside it was flashing at me.  Normally when I turn it on my desktop pulls up and I can get to things easily.  But I couldn't get anything to happen.  It was totally locked up.  I tried everything I could think of to fix it.  I am in no way computer savvy so I was totally at a loss.  No idea what was going on.  So...I did what any responsible Mac user would do and used my iPhone to book an appointment with a "Genius."  They are literally called that and you can schedule...for free...a 15 minute session with them at the Genius Bar.  Clever.  I must admit...these guys, and sometimes girls, are lifesavers for this computer illiterate Mac owner. 

When I got there and they hooked up my computer, the problem was very obvious to them.  I'll spare you the details but they explained it to me like this...  My computer basically had too much info. on it and had so much info. on it, in fact, that it was confused and couldn't read what was on the hard drive anymore.  All I wanted to know was..."what do I do to fix it?"  My Genius was more than willing to fix it but it would not be the answer that I wanted.  He said that I would have to erase everything on my hard drive and totally reinstall the software for my computer.  WRONG answer sir!  I was sick.  I had NEVER backed up anything...iPhoto...iTunes...programs...Windows...nothing.  I would loose everything.  But it was necessary and so I had to do it.  He said there was one way that I might be able save some of the things on my computer...I was listening.  I knew it would involve money...always does.  He said that I would have to get a program called DiskWarrior and it would be my only way to save anything...but still no guarantee.  Then from there I could transfer anything that the program found to an external hard drive at that point and then erase and install.  When my computer was totally clean...I could then reload the stuff I transfered to the external hard drive, onto my computers hard drive and bam...everything would be saved.  

$200 later, I supposedly had everything I needed to save my precious files.  I went home...I ran the program and...NOTHING.  DiskWarrior had failed to save any of my stuff.  I was so mad.  I have a feeling the things I purchased to make this magical recovery happen aren't refundable.:-(  So...with a sick feeling in my stomach, I began to erase and install.  I was thinking of pictures that I would never get back from Africa and Europe.  Pictures of my niece and nephews that I hope I put on a disk before all of this happened.  My ENTIRE iTunes library full of music that I had either spent hours putting on my computer from CD or bought on iTunes.  

When the computer was free and clear and ready to be used again, I opened up iPhoto and cried.  I opened up iTunes...completely empty of any sign that I ever had thousands of songs there.  Windows...gone.  Downloads...gone.  Very sad.  BUT...

My computer was free and clear.  I could start fresh.  It was like a new computer.  No signs of clutter.  No signs of the past.  It ran faster when I got online.  I could download new stuff and get updates on all of my programs.  I will never ignore the warnings to back my stuff up or put it on my $100 external hard drive again!  :-)  Don't you just love spending money on stupid stuff like that?  Boo!

I haven't written here in a long time.  I haven't had the strength to share what my heart has been through over the past few months.  I haven't even known where to begin with it all.  I have had to make some tough decisions....have some tough conversations...make some scary choices.  See, very much like my computer, I was so cluttered with stuff...some of it precious, some of it dark, some of it secret and painful.  Some of it was hidden so well that I couldn't even see it.  Just like my computer, I had things deep within me that I didn't know how to get to.  There were things I didn't know how to retrieve.  I was broken.  Only I couldn't see the folder with the big question mark in the middle of the screen flashing at me.  That would've been so obvious.  But my question marks were hidden.  The question marks in my life that I couldn't figure out what they meant or how to deal with them or how to call them up to face them...hidden.  I had to be forced to look at them.  And, boy, was it painful.  Fortunately, I was loved enough to be called out on it...to be challenged to see it.  I thank God daily for my "mirrors"...the people in my life that aren't afraid to show me what they see in me that needs to change. 

Denial is a powerful thing...much bigger than us.  I would go as far as to say that there is a demon named Denial in Satan's army of liars.  Denial literally means...I don't see.  The problem with denial is that you don't see it until you're forced to.  Until there is so much clutter that you literally break.  There are all kinds of symptoms and variables to denial but, when in denial, you don't even associate those things with what you're in denial about.  Let me just say...secret things are what the Enemy uses to keep us bound...keep our minds so tangled up that we can't even think straight.  They are what rip families apart and cause pastors to fall.  They are what keep a wall up between friends and cause us to isolate ourselves from people we so desperately need.  There is NO greater feeling than being fully known and loved anyway.  None that I've experienced yet at 32.  It is very uncomfortable and very humbling but worth every single minute of it.  My very favorite person told me that "the truth causes you to trust the heart of a person."  That's what it's all about.  Truth is hard.  Truth sometimes stings the people closest to you...the ones you love the most.  Truth causes tension....it makes things worse sometimes before it makes things better.  But there is a reason the Word of God says...."the truth will set you free." (John 8)  Being exposed...being broken is the ONLY way, in my opinion, to have an authentic relationship with God.  It hurts like you wouldn't believe at times but the freedom in it is absolutely...100%...worth it.  

What happens when you get all that clutter out?  It is a perfect opportunity for God to come in and, like a friend told me over lunch the other day, "download" his plan, purpose, and destiny for you.  And, like my computer, you'll have a fresh clean slate for your Father to write his thoughts toward you and about you on.  No longer will you have so much to sift through that you can't get to the heart of who you are.  Your hard drive will be wiped clean and the process of healing and wholeness will begin to download in it's place, replacing the secrets, the lies, the unhealthy deposits...all of the things that kept you from being known, loved, and free.  What a beautiful God that would allow us to be restored like that.  What a beautiful Savior to come in and wipe our hearts clean for a fresh start and at the same time give us a mind to remember where we've been...never to go back.  Praise you Lord!  Do you understand what a second and a third and seventh and 100th chance means?  It is called redemption.  And it's ours.  God is concerned about us.  He is mindful of us.  He thinks thoughts about us...so many, in fact, that we cannot even comprehend them.  They aren't the lies that we tell ourselves but the truth that contradicts those lies...these are the thoughts He has toward us and about us.   To think that God in his power and his love would send his Son to die on an old rugged cross, to bear my junk...my sin...my secrets...my past...it is just too much for me to take in all at once.  Without a single word He took our punishment FOR us!  Little by little, the God of the Universe, seeps into our hearts and spirits and takes them over...when we allow Him to.  When we choose Him we choose life.  He will never force himself on us.  We have been given a gift in even that...we have a choice.  We matter so much to him that he would even allow us freedom to make the decision to follow him on our own.  I don't know how to describe what that means to me.  

If you have never experienced the love of Christ.  If all of this is foreign to you.  That's okay.  It was foreign to me too until very recently.  I grew up in church.  I heard a pastor say the other day that he had a drug problem as a child and teenager...his parents "drug" him to church everytime the doors were open.  I love that!  I had the same upbringing.  My parents showed us the love of the Lord everyday.  My mom and dad seek after God on a daily basis.  My grandmother was one of the wisest people I've ever known and loved the Lord with all of her being...served him until the day she died.  But none of that compares to knowing it from EXPERIENCE!  There is no formula to this.  This is a faith that can only be known and lived out by seeking God on our own.  By finding out what He wants us to do and then doing it.  It's not enough to know and then hope I do the right thing when the time comes.  If we know what to do and don't do it, the Bible calls us a corpse.  What good will we be that way?  We are respondsible for taking the first step toward him.  Once we do that and continue to seek him out in every area of our lives, he takes over from there.  We just have to listen and follow.  All of the knowledge is nothing without the grace and mercy to go with it.  Without it, it's just a story.  We have to beat ourselves over the head with it so it will drop into our hearts.  Head knowledge without heart knowledge is useless.  But let me tell you, when we feel it and when we drink it in...it will absolutely CHANGE OUR LIVES!  It's hard.  I am SO not where I need or want to be in the journey but even baby steps are huge when headed in the right direction.  It is not fun sometimes but it is necessary...crucial even.  Kirk has always said...as far back as I can remember..."it's painful but it's necessary."  It's so true.  We all have to be broken to be used to our full potential.  Whether we were broken in childhood or as an adult or both...we must be broken before Him.  He wants us to pour ourselves out to him.  We are never more vulnerable than when we are broken.  We are vulnerable to God but also to Satan...he could care less what we're going through.  That's why we must always guard our hearts. (Prov. 4:23)

I want nothing more than for Him to come in and work me over for His glory.  I desire Him and Him alone.  Unlike the program for my computer...He is a Warrior that can salvage any life.  I know because He has done it for me.  He is doing it for me.  He is more than capable of taking what is broken and making it whole again.  Taking our clutter and creating a beautiful masterpiece with it.  

No matter where you are on your journey.  This my prayer... 

God, hide us.  Shield our broken and tender hearts.  Raise us up in your power to live our lives in complete and total surrender to you.  Plant our feet firmly in the places you would have us go.  We are listening...your servants are listening and we will do what you say.  You would never lead us somewhere that you would not go with us.   We can count on you to take the broken pieces of our messed up lives and start to put them together again.  We can trust you in the process that you will be gentle with our hearts.  In You there is hope...and a future.  Make us whole, Jesus!  

Pray

Please pray for a little girl named Zoe Goss.  To find out more about her condition and the specific prayer needs go here.  

The Best Question Ever...

Sooooo....I think I'm pretty much the worst blogger in the history of man-kind at this point.  I wish I was one of those people who posted everyday or at least every other day.  But, I'm just not at this point in my life.  I know that when I have kids and more going on I will post more frequently but for now it's just random, here and there posts.  I don't know why I am even explaining myself but that's just what I do, I guess.  :-)

I have never been a person with a lot to say or a lot on my mind.  I am super chilled and laid back.  I get that from my daddy.  I do worry sometimes about things and think too hard about them and make them bigger than they need to be.  I can worry over something until I'm sick but that doesn't happen a lot.  I went to a chiropractor a few months ago and he said I had an issue in the middle of my back that he had to pop back into place.  He asked me if I was stressed out because not many people have that subluxation and man did it hurt when he popped it into place.  So, I might worry more than I think I do.  Who knows????

I started listening to a podcast that a friend of mine referred me to last night about making decisions.  It's called "The Best Question Ever." by Andy Stanley.  It's in 6 parts and I have only made it through Part 1 but it is awesome!  It's also a book.  I'm sure you can get it at Lifeway but I found it on Amazon last night.  The question is...when asking yourself, should I get into this relationship, should I make this financial investment, should I buy this car, should I home school my kids, and on and on..."What is the wise thing for me to do in light of my past experiences, my present situation, and my future hopes and dreams?"   He takes a scripture that Paul wrote in Ephesians to the church at Ephesus and explains how he came up with the question.  They were basically trying to live in a place of extreme moral decay but still remain faithful and obedient to the Lord and his will for their lives.  Andy talks about how we try to search out scripture to tell us what to do but there is not always a specific scripture to refer to sometimes.  How should we make decisions in life when we don't have a solid answer from a specific verse in scripture that pertains to the situation we are facing?  I am super excited about listening to the rest of the podcast and digging deeper into this simple question to live my life by.  The hardest thing about it is that we are, in most cases, not going to like the answer as much as we like just being ignorant.  I know that we are all able to think of at least one decision we have made in the past that we look back on with regret or see how it has negatively impacted our life.  

So, now that the new year has started and we are only 8 days in, it still feels like a fresh start and we have all made our resolutions and are attempting to keep them.  Some have already fallen off the wagon.  No worries!  Don't put so much pressure on yourself.  I do this and it has not been working for me!  I am trying to approach things that need changing in my life differently than I did last year.  

For instance, I want to lose weight.  BAD!!!!  I am starting with small goals and letting them lead to my ultimate goal as opposed to thinking about the big picture and stressing over how I will pull it off.  I joined Weight Watchers last night.  I am realizing how prideful I am right now because I want to delete that last sentence.  I am fighting the urge!!!  :-)  I ordered the 2009 starter kit on ebay and two workout videos from Tracy Anderson.  She is the personal trainer of Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna.  I do not want to look like Madonna but I think she's just a freak of nature with those arms.  Wow!  Anyway, I am doing things that will get me to the place that I want to be physically so I can get to where I want to be mentally about myself.  I don't want to hold myself back any longer and the only person I can blame for letting this get out of hand is me.  Sure, I have a thyroid problem and have to take meds everyday (which I HATE by the way) but that is not going to stop me.  Plus, at some point in my life, I am going to be responsible for feeding my family and I don't want to learn with them.  I want to already have this thing tucked away in my back pocket and it be second nature to me.  

So, good luck with all of your resolutions and we will stick this thing out together.  I know it's going to be hard but determination is creeping up on me and I'm excited to see what I'm actually capable of.  I know you are too!  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!  Let's make it a great one!  

Oh...I'm also reading the Bible in chronological order if anyone wants to join me.  I can email you the reading schedule.  My email account is ashleyguilbert@gmail.com.

Time to go...

Well, the time has come for me to go back home.  I am super sad to leave my family.  I have been able to be with them for over a month and I am spoiled.  I still don't feel too hot and now I have a tooth ache that is really making me miserable.  Thank goodness for left over pain medicine!!  :-)  It has taken the edge off.  I always seem to have things like this happen to me on days when I can't get to the doctor.  Pray that it stays under control until I get back to Nashville on Thursday.  I don't even know of a dentist in Nashville...I'll have to ask around.  

So...time to pack all my things and get a few hours of sleep before my 6:45 flight in the morning.  We have a show in ATL and then a new year's eve show in LA...then it's home Nashville. 

I read this tonight and thought I'd share it with you guys.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Elisabeth Elliot.  She is an author among many many other things...an incredible woman to say the least.  Many years ago someone gave me the book "Passion and Purity"...changed my view on dating and relationships completely!  Loved it!  

Anyway...here is what I read.

In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, we see with startling clarity the cleverness of the enemy in deceiving human

 beings.  selfishness has a thousand forms, most of which we are slow to recognize for what they are.  I was thinking about the fear of loss and what a stranglehold it can have on me.  As I listed some of the things I dreaded to lose, it occurred to me that this fear is a deadly form of selfishness.  Selfishness does terrible things to us, but it does not stop there.  It does terrible things to others.  "Saving our own skin" usually results in skinning somebody else.  Think, for example, of the fear of losing reputation, opportunity for advancement, credit, recognition, position, beauty, youth, health, money, the love of friends or children, compliments, popularity, security, privacy, rights, people you love, job, home, dreams, and power.

As I considered each of these separately, I began to think what sort of sin each king of loss tempts me to commit.  Then I thought about what kind of faith is required to enable me to commit those fears to God.  Has He, in fact, made provision for these things?  The list is not a list of sins----make no mistake about that.  It is a list of blessings, of gifts from God.  But to grasp them selfishly and greedily, to hang on to them fiercely and allow myself to be enslaved by the fear of losing them, is to deny Christ.  "Do not fear," He says to us, "for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)

 

Never thought of it quite like that before.

And...just another little blessing for you...

This....is just about as good as it gets!  Look at that smile! -->

Gage at 6 months old with my mom(or Lolly as the GK's call her)  

Going home...

It's been a really long time since I posted...I suck, I know!  :-)  

I am currently in the DFW airport.   I have been in Africa since December 4th...left the US on the 3rd.  First we were in Lagos, Nigeria...then Calibar, Nigeria.  Our first show in Lagos was cancelled because of torrential rains.  I know it sounds dramatic and it was!  The tents we were supposed to wait in literally flooded and the sound system stopped working because of the water.  It was really bad.  Luckily we didn't ever have to leave the hotel and get out in all that water but some of the artists did and they came back telling us how horrible it was.  Plus, I would've ruined my new awesome shoes and that would've hurt me bad...even if it was for ministry.  Don't mess with my shoes!  :-)  I am Alice Ruth Faulk Guilbert's granddaughter!  

BUT... they also came back telling us about the 300,000+ people who stood out in that rain to hear about Jesus and the music that all the artists had prepared to share with them.  They had to be soaked thru and thru but they stood out there anyway.  I really wanted to see that...even if I had to go barefoot.  Oh well...sometimes things work out that way. 

 The concert in Calibar was great!  Those precious people were singing their hearts out to Jesus!  It was beautiful!!!  

I'm so blessed to do what I do.  I try not to be negative about anything but right now I just want to be at home!!!  I have been on 3 planes...one for an hour...then spent a few hours at a hotel in Lagos...another flight to Frankfurt, Germany...6 hours...had a whole row to myself, which made me so so so happy, then another to DFW...11 hours...no one sitting beside me...slept on and off the whole time...can't believe it!  I am coming to the end of a 5 hour layover in Dallas.  I paid too much money to get a cab to the mall close by just to get away from the airport for a few hours...otherwise I might have gone insane. :-)    SOOOOO ready to get on this plane...my 4th...and see my daddy at the airport so he can take me to his house with the rest of my family...minus Heith, Jess, and Harper.  :-(  I am so ready to see Gage!  My sister just told me he's doing things he wasn't doing when I left a week ago.  He'll probably be asleep but I'm going to go in and look at him...it will get me through until the morning.  :-)

Almost time to leave Dallas so I'll wrap it up.  

Thank you Lord...even though the flying for days really stinks...for allowing me to have this life.  I am so grateful that you have chosen me to do this for a living!  I hope I make you proud!

the apple

First of all, I want you to go and read this before anything else.  It's beautiful.  My friend Angie has an amazing story and if you have time at some point you should definitely go back and read ALL...yes, all of her posts.  They will bless you and cause your heart to be stirred but more importantly they will point you in the direction of the Savior...you will fall in love with him in a deeper way by the way she has chosen to love him in the midst of her pain.  

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time and I am hoping that I can catch up within the next few weeks.  I have some things I want to share and then just some random meaningless nothings that will make you laugh.  I was journaling today and decided to share one of my recent journal entries with you.  

October 22, 2008

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves.  For My yoke is easy and My burden light."        Matt. 11:28-30

In elementary school I was not the most popular kid.   I had glasses...pretty thick ones if I remember correctly and was pencil thin.  Oh to be thin again!  :-)  I'm working on it!  LOL.  I didn't dress with name brands and get my clothes from the mall.  I wore mostly hand-me-downs.  Mind you, I was oblivious to this.  I never thought anything of it and actually was excited to have "new" clothes.  My parents bought me new clothes too but people in the church would always give me their clothes when they outgrew them.  I was always a pretty easy kid to please.  So, back to the story...I remember one day very well.  It was one of the days we ate our lunch outside.  I guess, from time to time, Mrs. Converse...my teacher...thought it was too beautiful a day to stay inside for lunch.

We opened out lunch boxes...pretty sure mine was a Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with the lovely Thermos :-)...and we pulled out whatever our mothers had packed for us to eat.  I can't remember exactly what mine had in it but I do remember that I had a shiny red apple.  I'm sure my mom had packed a sandwich and some chips as well but the reason I remember the apple so well is because at some point, and I'm almost positive that it was before I had taken a single bite, it was out of my hands and the other kids were kicking it around the playground.  I was devastated.  I remember my heart breaking watching them kick my apple around that day.  It might as well have been my heart they were kicking around.  It wasn't because I had wanted that apple so badly or that I had been looking forward to eating it all morning...I mean, seriously, I was in elementary school and I am sure I would've rather had cookies but it was the fact that it belonged to me and they didn't care that it hurt my feelings.  I have been called super sensitive on many occasions but I was really sensitive when I was little.  Kids can be cruel and I'm sure that they were just having fun and obviously way too young to think about how it would make me feel but as I was heart broken just the same.  I don't remember exactly what went through my mind but I do remember picking up my apple, post-kicking, and it looked horrible.  It was all bruised and scarred...some of the peeling was hanging off and it wasn't shiny anymore.  I went back to the classroom with my little heart just as torn up as that apple.  We all sat down at our desks and when we all got quite Mrs. Converse called me up to her desk.  I was so embarrassed.  After what had just happened, I wasn't sure what was about to go on.  I hoped she wasn't in on it too and decided I hadn't been humiliated enough.  She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out...a piece of candy.  This story would've been perfect had she pulled out a brand new shiny red apple.  But sometimes stories with happy endings aren't always perfect...which, in a way, makes them even more special.  In front of the whole class she held out that candy for me and told the class that because they had been so mean and had kicked my apple around that she was giving me this piece of candy and that I had permission to eat it right then and there.  It reminds me of a certain prayer..."You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies"  HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!  :-)  I don't remember if I ate it then or saved it but I do remember walking back to my desk feeling so much better.  I felt special.  I felt validated.  I'm sure that I smiled on my way back to my desk and good while after.  I have never forgotten that teacher...Mrs. Converse.  I could tell you exactly what she looked like to this day.  

I will never forget that day...here I am, an almost 32 year old woman, and I still remember the way I felt that day.  As I sit here on my balcony, with a heart a little beaten up, bruised, sometimes kicked around, and with a few scars, I can't help but think of how Mrs. Converse showed me a little bit of Jesus that day...whether she meant to or not.  I feel like my heart has been kicked around the playground again...intentional or unintentional...but today, instead of Mrs. Converse, God has come to the rescue.  He has picked my heart up out of the dirt and is dusting it off in His precious nail scarred hands.  He knows exactly what it's like to have a heart as broken and scarred as mine.   Of course, He's not going to pull a brand new shiny red heart out of his desk drawer but He is going to work on mine and make it as good as new.  Sure, it will still have some scars and the memory being broken from time to time but it will be whole.  It will be washed and mended and covered in the blood of Jesus.  

I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart.  I am sure have been the reason some hearts have been broken. But I also know that in Christ there is total restoration and redemption.  He alone can mend our broken hearts.  He alone can set my captive soul free.  I am so glad that He is always willing to bring healing.  We are in constant need of a Savior.  In the best and the worst of times we can count him trustworthy.  When we feel lonely He is always there.  He is ready and  oh so willing for us to hand over our pitiful broken hearts and let him go to work.  Now, the process is always going to be painful but you can be assured that the end result is a heart that is whole...a heart that is strong.  Trust Him with your heart...there is no safer place for it then in His loving hands.  

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character provides hope.  This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."        Romans 5:3-5

What a precious gift!!!