the apple

First of all, I want you to go and read this before anything else.  It's beautiful.  My friend Angie has an amazing story and if you have time at some point you should definitely go back and read ALL...yes, all of her posts.  They will bless you and cause your heart to be stirred but more importantly they will point you in the direction of the Savior...you will fall in love with him in a deeper way by the way she has chosen to love him in the midst of her pain.  

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time and I am hoping that I can catch up within the next few weeks.  I have some things I want to share and then just some random meaningless nothings that will make you laugh.  I was journaling today and decided to share one of my recent journal entries with you.  

October 22, 2008

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves.  For My yoke is easy and My burden light."        Matt. 11:28-30

In elementary school I was not the most popular kid.   I had glasses...pretty thick ones if I remember correctly and was pencil thin.  Oh to be thin again!  :-)  I'm working on it!  LOL.  I didn't dress with name brands and get my clothes from the mall.  I wore mostly hand-me-downs.  Mind you, I was oblivious to this.  I never thought anything of it and actually was excited to have "new" clothes.  My parents bought me new clothes too but people in the church would always give me their clothes when they outgrew them.  I was always a pretty easy kid to please.  So, back to the story...I remember one day very well.  It was one of the days we ate our lunch outside.  I guess, from time to time, Mrs. Converse...my teacher...thought it was too beautiful a day to stay inside for lunch.

We opened out lunch boxes...pretty sure mine was a Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with the lovely Thermos :-)...and we pulled out whatever our mothers had packed for us to eat.  I can't remember exactly what mine had in it but I do remember that I had a shiny red apple.  I'm sure my mom had packed a sandwich and some chips as well but the reason I remember the apple so well is because at some point, and I'm almost positive that it was before I had taken a single bite, it was out of my hands and the other kids were kicking it around the playground.  I was devastated.  I remember my heart breaking watching them kick my apple around that day.  It might as well have been my heart they were kicking around.  It wasn't because I had wanted that apple so badly or that I had been looking forward to eating it all morning...I mean, seriously, I was in elementary school and I am sure I would've rather had cookies but it was the fact that it belonged to me and they didn't care that it hurt my feelings.  I have been called super sensitive on many occasions but I was really sensitive when I was little.  Kids can be cruel and I'm sure that they were just having fun and obviously way too young to think about how it would make me feel but as I was heart broken just the same.  I don't remember exactly what went through my mind but I do remember picking up my apple, post-kicking, and it looked horrible.  It was all bruised and scarred...some of the peeling was hanging off and it wasn't shiny anymore.  I went back to the classroom with my little heart just as torn up as that apple.  We all sat down at our desks and when we all got quite Mrs. Converse called me up to her desk.  I was so embarrassed.  After what had just happened, I wasn't sure what was about to go on.  I hoped she wasn't in on it too and decided I hadn't been humiliated enough.  She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out...a piece of candy.  This story would've been perfect had she pulled out a brand new shiny red apple.  But sometimes stories with happy endings aren't always perfect...which, in a way, makes them even more special.  In front of the whole class she held out that candy for me and told the class that because they had been so mean and had kicked my apple around that she was giving me this piece of candy and that I had permission to eat it right then and there.  It reminds me of a certain prayer..."You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies"  HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!  :-)  I don't remember if I ate it then or saved it but I do remember walking back to my desk feeling so much better.  I felt special.  I felt validated.  I'm sure that I smiled on my way back to my desk and good while after.  I have never forgotten that teacher...Mrs. Converse.  I could tell you exactly what she looked like to this day.  

I will never forget that day...here I am, an almost 32 year old woman, and I still remember the way I felt that day.  As I sit here on my balcony, with a heart a little beaten up, bruised, sometimes kicked around, and with a few scars, I can't help but think of how Mrs. Converse showed me a little bit of Jesus that day...whether she meant to or not.  I feel like my heart has been kicked around the playground again...intentional or unintentional...but today, instead of Mrs. Converse, God has come to the rescue.  He has picked my heart up out of the dirt and is dusting it off in His precious nail scarred hands.  He knows exactly what it's like to have a heart as broken and scarred as mine.   Of course, He's not going to pull a brand new shiny red heart out of his desk drawer but He is going to work on mine and make it as good as new.  Sure, it will still have some scars and the memory being broken from time to time but it will be whole.  It will be washed and mended and covered in the blood of Jesus.  

I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart.  I am sure have been the reason some hearts have been broken. But I also know that in Christ there is total restoration and redemption.  He alone can mend our broken hearts.  He alone can set my captive soul free.  I am so glad that He is always willing to bring healing.  We are in constant need of a Savior.  In the best and the worst of times we can count him trustworthy.  When we feel lonely He is always there.  He is ready and  oh so willing for us to hand over our pitiful broken hearts and let him go to work.  Now, the process is always going to be painful but you can be assured that the end result is a heart that is whole...a heart that is strong.  Trust Him with your heart...there is no safer place for it then in His loving hands.  

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character provides hope.  This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."        Romans 5:3-5

What a precious gift!!!  

Okay...so I already posted some pics today of Harper (check the post before this one) but Jessica just took these and I had to put them up!  They are too cute.

TUTU...

Pictures

I wanted to make sure and update you on Baby Pratt!  He is still in the nicu but is being given antibiotics for the infection and based on the results of his spinal tap yesterday will get to go home on Sunday!!!!  Yay!  His parents will get to spend Saturday night at the hospital with him before they take him home!  Thanks for your prayers!  

Now for some recent pictures of my niece, Harper, and my nephew, Gage.  They are the cutest kids!!!  Enjoy...

First...GAGE...they need to send me more pictures but these are the most recent!

 almost 3 months old...baby dedication picture
in his onesie that Lolly got him
breanne and gage at our parents house
gage loves his baby Einstein play mat

little shoes
I love this picture!
ready for bed at Lolly and pops house
look at that face!
Harper at 7 and a half months old...crazy girl!!

getting ready to crawl
it's our favorite when she puts her gums together like this!

I love this picture!
all about this face...Harper on her changing pad sitting up like a big girl
happy girl
and again...just happy
so cute in her little smocked outfit
baby dedication photo shoot...




Heith, Jessica, and Harper on baby dedication day at their church in Lafayette, LA
Mother/Daughter pic
more of baby dedication photo shoot....

They are the greatest little people!  I miss them so much!

Pratt. Allen. Fulks.

Please pray for a friend of mine and her little boy Pratt this morning.  I don't know all the details but I just got a text from a friend that informed me that Pratt...born Saturday evening...has been put in the nicu because he is having trouble breathing.  I don't know any of the details but I do know that no matter what the issue, having your brand new baby in the nicu for any reason is a super scary thing.  I am asking all of you to lift little Pratt up to the Lord and his parents Hannah and Clint.  This is their first baby and I know they would appreciate all of our prayers! Her blog is in my blog list.  Thank you!

Going home...

The trip to Europe has come to an end and we head to the airport in less than three hours.  It's been a great trip!  Hopefully I will have some pictures soon to share with you.  We did 7 shows while we were here.  I will write more about the trip when I get home but for now...Please pray for us as we travel.  We start at 4am and get home Friday night around 7:30pm.  See you in the States!!! 

Europe...

Well...it's the middle of the night and I am supposed to be packing for my trip to Europe.  Before you get all excited for me and wish you were going with me, I should mention that this is not a "fun" trip.  It's a work trip in every sense of the word.  We have 7 shows in 9 days...6 different countries.  Hard trip for us but it will be super fun.  I might come back and hibernate for 2 days just to catch up on rest but we will make the most of it!  On two occasions we will ride a bus to the next city...this will be the extent of our sightseeing this go round because of time.  But, I am going to several cities that I've never been before so I'm excited about that...even though I may only get to see the hotel and the venue, I will still be able to say that I've been there!  I am so thankful for my life and I feel so blessed that God has called me to do this...especially since I get to sing about Him!!  I will be leaving tomorrow (technically today) and coming back on the 12th.  I will try to post while I'm gone but have no idea what internet situation will be in any of the hotels I'm in and I refuse to pay a million dollars for one day of internet access.  However, some hotels offer free internet from time to time and I am hoping that at least one of them will be one of the some.  Anyway, back to my trip.  I am in the process of packing.  I stopped because I got frustrated and this is why.  When traveling within Europe they only allow one carry on bag and one checked bag that can only weigh 44 pounds...very random...but I don't want to spend every dime I make over there on luggage fees.  So, I'm trying to accomplish this task.  Anyone who knows me well or has ever traveled with me knows that I am not a light packer.  I pack the "just in case" stuff.  I feel panicky if I don't have extra.  Well, the plan is to pack 3 outfits for stage and 3 outfits for everyday and just switch it up.  I went to Dillard's the other day and they had their Adidas sweatsuits on sale for 50 percent off.  They are light weight and I can put a fresh t-shirt on under them each day.  I still think that's gross, to wear the same things for several days in a row.  But, I have no choice.  Now I'm getting stressed and feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.  I should get back to the packing...I have to go funnel hair products into tiny bottles so they don't take up precious poundage in my bag!  Then hopefully, I can at least get a few hours sleep before my ride gets here bright and early!   

Garrison Manning Guilbert...final post.

When Garrison was born on the 14th I asked a friend to start up a prayer website for him.  It was a way for Breanne and the rest of us to see the number of people praying for her "wittle man".  A few days later someone told me about a website that was for people like us...families with loved ones in the hospital...a way for everyone at home to keep up with Garrison's progress and a direct line for prayer requests.  It was such a blessing and I recommend it to anyone who has a sick loved one in the hospital for a lengthy stay.  You can visit Garrison's page...it's still up...at caringbridge.org.  Go to the VISIT link at the top of the page and when the page loads type in garrsionguilbert in the first box and enter.  The journal has every post we ever wrote and also has all of the entries in the guestbook that were ever written.  It will take you a long time to read the story but it has much more detail then I could write here.  I have spent the entire night reading it all again...reliving it...which brought back many memories.  I have cried as if it happened yesterday.

From March 21st to April 7th we held strong to our faith.  We knew that God could, at any moment, completely heal Garrison of all his infection.  We had the promise and the hope of Psalm 34:19 to hold strong to.  Garrison's urine output had been so little that he tripled in size.  He looked like a different baby.  He was on heavy sedation and given morphine for the pain.  There were life saving measures that needed to be taken but the doctor could do none of them in his present state.  At one point he started peeing again and we prayed and prayed for more.  We cried out to Lord for his healing.  My daddy literally screamed at the top of his lungs for it.  He would go out into the yard...my parents live in the country...and cry out to the Lord on Garrison's behalf.  Thinking of that makes me proud but also brings tears to my eyes.  We WANTED him!!!  We didn't want to live our lives without Garrison.  We had a strong bond with him.  We knew if we felt the way we did that Breanne must have felt it a thousand times stronger.  We also knew how much more God loved him...for He had written his story and knew it play by play...moment by moment.  

Garrison did not improve.  He didn't get worse but he didn't get any better.  It was the 6th of April when the doctor told mom and Breanne that there was nothing more that he could do for Garrison...that it was up to him now.   We knew who it was up to...the Healer himself.  And we trusted him.  We held tight to our faith and would not waiver.  

His little body was full of fluid.  I can not even bring myself to share with you the effects his illness had on him...the ones we could see anyway.  I can't even let myself think of the pain he was in...although heavily medicated, I know he felt horrible.  The doctor told them he would not make it through the night.  I was in Dallas...we were recording an album.  It was a Saturday night...I was at an Easter service with my roommate, Kim, and missed my dad's call.   As soon as the service was over I checked my voicemail.  It was bad news...I had to get to Breanne.  My roommate arranged my flight.  I would leave in two hours.  I rushed home and threw my stuff into a suitcase...not knowing what to expect, I packed a black dress.  I hoped I wouldn't need it.  Even as I put it into the suitcase I begged for Garrison to live.  

I arrived in Little Rock at around 10pm.  My dad picked me up and took me straight to the hospital.  When we got to the waiting room...mom and Breanne were in with Garrison.  Dad said we could both go back...it scared me because for all the seven weeks we were there only two at a time could go in to be with him.  I asked..."we can all be in there?"  Dad had a look on his face that I will never forget...he said "they are letting us all be in there for as long as we want."  It crushed me...I knew why.  When I went in, I saw Breanne holding Garrison's hand and singing to him...she looked so tired and so broken.  They asked her if she would like to hold him but told her that if she did, they would not be able to hook him back up to the machines. She wanted him to have the best chance possible and told them no.  I put my hands on his little chest...my fingers left impressions in his skin...I didn't know if I was hurting him but couldn't stand the thought of him not feeling our touch.  We all wanted so badly to comfort him.  My sister could no longer find the strength to sing to him so I began.  The only song in my head was the one we had recorded the day before in the studio.  It's on Kirk's last album...Fight Of My Life.  I sang to him as I lightly touched his chest.  Breanne held his hand.  At times you could tell he was crying but the tubes prevented any sound from coming out.  He was dying.  It was obvious but we continued to pray.  At around 1am all his vitals started plummeting.  I moved aside...could only see the back of the doctor's head...but I heard his words and I saw my sisters face.  "He's not with us anymore."  Breanne went straight for him.  The nurses had to stop her and told her gently that they must remove his tubes before she could hold him.  It would be the first time she held her little boy.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.  She had longed for this day to come...to hold him and kiss him.  It was not supposed to be like this!  My heart began to harden.  I was mad...mad at God.  What of the promises he had given us?  Why had he not healed him?  I was confused.  I screamed so loud that my mom had to push my head into her shoulder to muffle the cries.  It was too much to bear...I felt my heart breaking as if it literally had been torn from my chest...not as much for Garrison as for Breanne.  

We left Little Rock the next day.  I had tried to leave the night before and go home to my parents house and take down all of Garrison's things so my sister would not have to walk into what was supposed to be there.  My dad's truck just shut off as I was driving away and I had to stay.  Some friends of mine went in my place.  Each of them had lost a baby to miscarriage before and knew how Breanne would feel.  Although it was painful for them...they made the sacrifice.  It speaks volumes about their character.  When we drove away from the trailer a sound came from Breanne that I don't ever want to hear again as long as I live.  All those weeks and she left with only the belongings she had brought with her.  Her milk still swelling inside her...a constant reminder of what was lost.  To be honest, it seemed cruel.  My heart hardened even more.  The ride home was rough.  The first stop we had to make in Texarkana (a little over two hours away) was the funeral home.  Another church member and dear friend of the family had come the night before and taken Garrison's body from Children's hospital and brought him home.  Breanne had to pick out his casket.  Nothing will ever prepare you for that.  Seeing those tiny little coffins was enough to send us all back into tears.  She picked a white cloth one. 

 

The funeral was beautiful...a celebration of his life.  He was buried in a little cemetery down the street from my parents house.  They bought plots at the same time so when the Lord takes them home they will lay beside our beloved little Garrison.  

It has been a year and 4 months since he died.  The pain has let up a little.  Garrison has a little brother, Gage, that knows nothing of his brave big brother yet.  But we will tell him all about him when the time comes.  

In Garrison's short life, he had no voice but spoke volumes about Christ.  Many people came back to the Lord...many prayed non-stop for him that had not prayed in a very long time...he changed people's lives.  He brought our church together at a much needed time.  These are only the obvious things that Christ did through his life.  We will never know the full extent of what the Lord did through him.  

I mentioned my heart hardening toward God.  It only took one night to melt it again.  Breanne had come to stay with me shortly after the funeral.  We had been talking about getting tattoos and were looking up some scripture and it's meaning online.  We looked up Psalm 34:19.  The scripture that we had claimed for Garrison.  I was not prepared for what we found.  It is written in Hebrew on the inside of my left forearm.  

The website is called "Hebrew for Christians" and this is what it said.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. Psalm 34:19"

in Hebrew...

'rabbot ra'ot tzaddik, u'mikkullam yatzilenu Adonai'  

'will deliver him' in Hebrew is 'yatzilenu' which comes from the word 'natzal', a verb that means to ' physically snatch away'...

Lord, forgive my unbelief.  

The promise was true.  He will never fail us.  He is sovereign.  He is faithful.  He will never lie.  

BELIEVE!!!!!

and a few pictures to put faces to the names in this story.  The one above is my tattoo..."The Lord will deliver him." in hebrew.

My sister...these were taken a few weeks after Garrison died...when she was in Dallas with me.

And Garrison's little brother Gage...taken just a few days ago.

The bottom picture of Breanne shows the tattoo she got...the inside of her wrist..."Stinker" what she called Garrison.