Vander Eli Guilbert

Ummmm....Yes!  He is smiling in this picture.  It's not gas.  I've never seen a baby smile this little.  He loves to be sung to and talked to.  I HATE seeing these tubes!  But he was supposed to get his IV out today and the results to clear him of infection.  I couldn't get in touch with Heith or Jess so we'll have to wait for that news.  I have a feeling they are exhausted and hopefully sleeping good tonight.  Coming home tomorrow will be fun and they'll get to see Harper's reaction to the new baby.  They are staying in a "rooming in room" tonight so Jessica can nurse him and not have to get up and go to the nicu to feed him...I know she's loving every minute of that!!  

Sweet sweet baby!!!  This is the first picture that I've seen that has reminded me of Heith's baby pictures.
This one is my favorite!!!  Look at the chubby little cheek.  
Look at how he's looking at my mom...his Lollie....so precious!!!!
ROCK ON!!!!  Hope you liked the pics!!!  

Blessings

I am so proud to introduce you to my new nephew...Vander!!  His name comes from my mother's maiden name Vanderburg.

Jessica and Heith are still working on a middle name for him.  He is the first grandson/great-grandson with the Guilbert name.  I know that has to make my granddaddy proud to have lived to see that.  A little history...my daddy is one of five.  He has a brother and three sisters.  My Uncle Fred has four girls who are married to wonderful men but have obviously taken on their husbands last names.  I have two brothers...Heith and Brennan.  Brennan is only 17 so he has no kids yet...thank goodness!  LOL.  They are the only two male grandkids with the Guilbert name. Heith's first child is Harper...a precious little feisty 15 month old girl who is walking and talking and FULL of energy.  :-)  Her favorite word is "NO!"  Ha.  Harper will meet her baby brother today.  She liked to play with her mommy's belly button when she was pregnant and knows sign language for baby...well, her own version of it anyway.  She keeps one arm straight and crossed the other over and moves back and forth after she has said the actual word "baby."  She learned it from one of her Baby Einstein videos.  I haven't actually seen her do this but that's the way Jessica describes it.  We are curious as to what she will think of her baby brother because she's so young.  I was three when Heith was born.  I didn't know to be gentle with him yet.  What I thought was a gentle love "pat" on his head turned out to be way too rough. It reminds me of a friend of mine, Lori, who had her little girl a few years after her son Austin was born and before going home from the hospital he was sitting on the bed with her trying to shove candy into her mouth.  He also gave her some very important advice.  "Beans make you toot!"  Kids are so sweet and innocent.  To him he was just being a good big brother and wanting her to enjoy some of the sweeter things in life.  I can't wait to hear how Harper reacts to Vander.  She's so young and probably won't do too well at first with the fact that she will have to share her mommy with the baby but she will eventually adjust to the new normal.  Who knows...she may surprise us all.

I can't wait to see that little thing and kiss his face off!  

When Vander was born he was having some trouble breathing and with movement but those

things have cleared although he is still in the nicu until they get the tests back to see if he has any infection.  They are giving him antibiotics to be safe.  Jessica and Heith got to hold him today for the first time.  Jessica said he was wiggling around trying to nurse but they are holding him off on food for a while longer.  Poor baby...I'm sure he is hungry.  He doesn't look like Harper really.  He just looks like himself.  I see a little of her in him but they change so much in the first few days and weeks that we will just have to wait and see.  

Jessica's labor was very fast once things started progressing. My mom told me that the nurses said they wished she could come back in 9 months and do this all again so they could film her labor and delivery.  They used the word "AMAZING!"  But as amazing as it was I can say with almost 100% certainty that Jessica does not want to have to do that again for quite a while. She has an enormous amount of control over her body during labor.  It's nuts.  Oh...and I forgot to mention she does this ALL without drugs.  Yeah...nature people.  She's a machine.  I mean, just look below at the picture of her with Heith and Vander below...this was literally just a few hours after having him.  

Anyway...without further ado....here he is, Vander ????? Guilbert,  7lbs 14ozs.  

I think she said he was 21 inches but I may have to correct that.  He's much more filled out than Harper was.  She was only 6lbs 11ozs.  

Atonement

Last night I went to church.  I didn't really know what to expect.  I just knew that I needed to be there.  When I got there it was kind of awkward.  It was dark.  There were no chairs set up.  There were candles and crosses all around.  Everyone was standing in the back not really knowing what to do. Not your tradition worship service...which I loved!  When I looked closer, there were little areas around the room set up with different things.  In the middle of the room there was a round platform covered in black cloth and bibles all around the edges.  There were cushions to sit on and read the various scriptures listed on card stock.  Scriptures about what this weekend means.  What happened to Jesus.  The stories told by men that were there...men that watched Him die and saw Him raised to life again.  There was a cross in the middle made from what looked like railroad cross ties.  There was a wooden platform with a crown of thorns set up on top for display. Candles were everywhere.  On one of the walls clips from The Passion of the Christ played.  Music was playing...instrumental reflective music.  Around the room were several other crosses, communion was set up on a table, tithe and offering boxes, and this...

In this bowl was clear water.  Beside it were little pieces of red paper and red markers.  The idea was to write whatever you wanted on those pieces of paper...sin, struggles, worries, hurt, pain, names, thoughts, whatever...and when you dropped them into the water the ink dissolved and what you wrote was gone.  The ink disappeared and left the water stained a shade of red.  The more paper and ink...the deeper the color became.  By the time I got over there it was a deep crimson.  I stood there directly in front of the bowl asking God what I needed to write on that paper.  I quickly began writing.  I filled my little piece of paper up with things...the things I walked in with and hoped to leave at His feet.  Tears burned my eyes as I watched the ink fade and eventually disappear.  My past.  My pain.  My worries.  My failures. My disappointment.  Gone.  

I walked into that service with such a heavy heart.  I walked in with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I walked in full of self-pity and pride.  I walked in tempted not to trust Him...doubting Him.  I knew the first thing I had to do and did it...it was hard.  It was a sacrifice.  But with tears in my eyes I was obedient.  I wanted to show Him that I was serious.  I wanted Him to see that I didn't want anything to be in the way of my time with Him.  I wanted to show Him that I wanted nothing more than I wanted Him.  Immediately I sensed His presence in a way that I can't even really put into words.  In that moment I was completely humbled. 

I realized that I had worried all day about things that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  But I worried...all day long about them.  I thought He had failed me.  I thought that He had forgotten about me.  I didn't believe that He actually had me in His hand.  I felt like He had dropped the ball.  

But...I walked away with peace.  I walked away with my sin atoned for.  I walked away redeemed.  I walked away with confidence...not in myself but in Him.  I walked away with the same circumstances, the same scary things, but with a new sense of His presence in all of it.  I walked away knowing that He was in total control!  I walked away knowing that He cannot and will not fail.  I knew that everything would be okay.  I remembered that as tightly as I'm holding onto Him that He is holding onto me even tighter.  I felt head knowledge translate to my broken heart and begin healing it.  

The God that walked away from death can certainly take care of me and meet my needs.  He can absolutely work in and through me to accomplish His purpose.  The God that walked away from death can rescue me from darkness and reach down and comfort me.  He did what He did for ME.  He walked up that hill to die for ME!  If He was willing to do all of that...why would I doubt Him.  Why would I not believe a Saviour who willingly paid my ransom...a debt I could never have paid. 

Hello world. It's been a while.

I have a few ideas for some longer posts...they'll come soon but I just had to share this.  I was reading one of my journals today.  It's the one I started when I moved to Nashville about 8 months ago.  I was so moved by how God listens and answers prayer that I could barely stand it.  I read my own words...some penned with a light heart and basically pretty generic at times.  But others were, well, just plain desperate.  Desperate for God to show me why he brought me here.  Desperate for Him to invade my space and awaken a heart long protected.  I was so amazed at the way God has worked in just a few short months.  I am not even close to being where I want and need to be but I see the movement.  The movement of a girl...scared out of her mind...no idea who she really is...what is next...a girl who didn't know how to love well (myself or others)...a girl who was desperate to find God in it all...a girl who was sick and tired of hiding...who wanted to be exposed...who wanted to connect and find some really genuine and loving women to "do" life with...accountability.  And in the middle of it....in the great big middle of all of that desperation and what sounded a lot like hopelessness...was a great big God who was listening.  He was listening to me.  He understood me and met me where I was...confused, hurting, hiding, isolating, begging to be heard.  He stooped down and listening to me.  I saw so many answered prayers today in my journal.  It was so encouraging.  

If you don't journal...I think you should try it.  I just started really pouring my heart out into mine after neglected it over the years but it has become a way for me to see what I have forgotten.  There were a lot of things that I didn't even remember asking for or sharing with God in those first months here.  But as I read through and saw the words from a rear view mirror perspective (behind me) as opposed to a windshield view (right now)...I saw God's hand so vividly.  And just when I needed it, He showed me that He is working.  That I am moving.  That I am growing and it's so great to see.  The providence of God on paper...it's the greatest motivation to just keep going and know that at the end of this journey lies a destiny fulfilled in Him that we are incapable of on our own.  We have skills that he has equipped us with and if we offer them to Him knowing that, by faith, He can take those things and do something that only He can do through us, I guarantee you we will be blown away.  And, in the process of trusting and moving, HE will accomplish it and get ALL the glory.  Because, you see, those things that we forget...even just a few short months later...He DOESN'T forget them.  What a beautiful Savior!!  

Erase and Install

My computer crashed...sort of...a few weeks ago.  I turned it on and nothing but a grey screen and a folder with a big question mark inside it was flashing at me.  Normally when I turn it on my desktop pulls up and I can get to things easily.  But I couldn't get anything to happen.  It was totally locked up.  I tried everything I could think of to fix it.  I am in no way computer savvy so I was totally at a loss.  No idea what was going on.  So...I did what any responsible Mac user would do and used my iPhone to book an appointment with a "Genius."  They are literally called that and you can schedule...for free...a 15 minute session with them at the Genius Bar.  Clever.  I must admit...these guys, and sometimes girls, are lifesavers for this computer illiterate Mac owner. 

When I got there and they hooked up my computer, the problem was very obvious to them.  I'll spare you the details but they explained it to me like this...  My computer basically had too much info. on it and had so much info. on it, in fact, that it was confused and couldn't read what was on the hard drive anymore.  All I wanted to know was..."what do I do to fix it?"  My Genius was more than willing to fix it but it would not be the answer that I wanted.  He said that I would have to erase everything on my hard drive and totally reinstall the software for my computer.  WRONG answer sir!  I was sick.  I had NEVER backed up anything...iPhoto...iTunes...programs...Windows...nothing.  I would loose everything.  But it was necessary and so I had to do it.  He said there was one way that I might be able save some of the things on my computer...I was listening.  I knew it would involve money...always does.  He said that I would have to get a program called DiskWarrior and it would be my only way to save anything...but still no guarantee.  Then from there I could transfer anything that the program found to an external hard drive at that point and then erase and install.  When my computer was totally clean...I could then reload the stuff I transfered to the external hard drive, onto my computers hard drive and bam...everything would be saved.  

$200 later, I supposedly had everything I needed to save my precious files.  I went home...I ran the program and...NOTHING.  DiskWarrior had failed to save any of my stuff.  I was so mad.  I have a feeling the things I purchased to make this magical recovery happen aren't refundable.:-(  So...with a sick feeling in my stomach, I began to erase and install.  I was thinking of pictures that I would never get back from Africa and Europe.  Pictures of my niece and nephews that I hope I put on a disk before all of this happened.  My ENTIRE iTunes library full of music that I had either spent hours putting on my computer from CD or bought on iTunes.  

When the computer was free and clear and ready to be used again, I opened up iPhoto and cried.  I opened up iTunes...completely empty of any sign that I ever had thousands of songs there.  Windows...gone.  Downloads...gone.  Very sad.  BUT...

My computer was free and clear.  I could start fresh.  It was like a new computer.  No signs of clutter.  No signs of the past.  It ran faster when I got online.  I could download new stuff and get updates on all of my programs.  I will never ignore the warnings to back my stuff up or put it on my $100 external hard drive again!  :-)  Don't you just love spending money on stupid stuff like that?  Boo!

I haven't written here in a long time.  I haven't had the strength to share what my heart has been through over the past few months.  I haven't even known where to begin with it all.  I have had to make some tough decisions....have some tough conversations...make some scary choices.  See, very much like my computer, I was so cluttered with stuff...some of it precious, some of it dark, some of it secret and painful.  Some of it was hidden so well that I couldn't even see it.  Just like my computer, I had things deep within me that I didn't know how to get to.  There were things I didn't know how to retrieve.  I was broken.  Only I couldn't see the folder with the big question mark in the middle of the screen flashing at me.  That would've been so obvious.  But my question marks were hidden.  The question marks in my life that I couldn't figure out what they meant or how to deal with them or how to call them up to face them...hidden.  I had to be forced to look at them.  And, boy, was it painful.  Fortunately, I was loved enough to be called out on it...to be challenged to see it.  I thank God daily for my "mirrors"...the people in my life that aren't afraid to show me what they see in me that needs to change. 

Denial is a powerful thing...much bigger than us.  I would go as far as to say that there is a demon named Denial in Satan's army of liars.  Denial literally means...I don't see.  The problem with denial is that you don't see it until you're forced to.  Until there is so much clutter that you literally break.  There are all kinds of symptoms and variables to denial but, when in denial, you don't even associate those things with what you're in denial about.  Let me just say...secret things are what the Enemy uses to keep us bound...keep our minds so tangled up that we can't even think straight.  They are what rip families apart and cause pastors to fall.  They are what keep a wall up between friends and cause us to isolate ourselves from people we so desperately need.  There is NO greater feeling than being fully known and loved anyway.  None that I've experienced yet at 32.  It is very uncomfortable and very humbling but worth every single minute of it.  My very favorite person told me that "the truth causes you to trust the heart of a person."  That's what it's all about.  Truth is hard.  Truth sometimes stings the people closest to you...the ones you love the most.  Truth causes tension....it makes things worse sometimes before it makes things better.  But there is a reason the Word of God says...."the truth will set you free." (John 8)  Being exposed...being broken is the ONLY way, in my opinion, to have an authentic relationship with God.  It hurts like you wouldn't believe at times but the freedom in it is absolutely...100%...worth it.  

What happens when you get all that clutter out?  It is a perfect opportunity for God to come in and, like a friend told me over lunch the other day, "download" his plan, purpose, and destiny for you.  And, like my computer, you'll have a fresh clean slate for your Father to write his thoughts toward you and about you on.  No longer will you have so much to sift through that you can't get to the heart of who you are.  Your hard drive will be wiped clean and the process of healing and wholeness will begin to download in it's place, replacing the secrets, the lies, the unhealthy deposits...all of the things that kept you from being known, loved, and free.  What a beautiful God that would allow us to be restored like that.  What a beautiful Savior to come in and wipe our hearts clean for a fresh start and at the same time give us a mind to remember where we've been...never to go back.  Praise you Lord!  Do you understand what a second and a third and seventh and 100th chance means?  It is called redemption.  And it's ours.  God is concerned about us.  He is mindful of us.  He thinks thoughts about us...so many, in fact, that we cannot even comprehend them.  They aren't the lies that we tell ourselves but the truth that contradicts those lies...these are the thoughts He has toward us and about us.   To think that God in his power and his love would send his Son to die on an old rugged cross, to bear my junk...my sin...my secrets...my past...it is just too much for me to take in all at once.  Without a single word He took our punishment FOR us!  Little by little, the God of the Universe, seeps into our hearts and spirits and takes them over...when we allow Him to.  When we choose Him we choose life.  He will never force himself on us.  We have been given a gift in even that...we have a choice.  We matter so much to him that he would even allow us freedom to make the decision to follow him on our own.  I don't know how to describe what that means to me.  

If you have never experienced the love of Christ.  If all of this is foreign to you.  That's okay.  It was foreign to me too until very recently.  I grew up in church.  I heard a pastor say the other day that he had a drug problem as a child and teenager...his parents "drug" him to church everytime the doors were open.  I love that!  I had the same upbringing.  My parents showed us the love of the Lord everyday.  My mom and dad seek after God on a daily basis.  My grandmother was one of the wisest people I've ever known and loved the Lord with all of her being...served him until the day she died.  But none of that compares to knowing it from EXPERIENCE!  There is no formula to this.  This is a faith that can only be known and lived out by seeking God on our own.  By finding out what He wants us to do and then doing it.  It's not enough to know and then hope I do the right thing when the time comes.  If we know what to do and don't do it, the Bible calls us a corpse.  What good will we be that way?  We are respondsible for taking the first step toward him.  Once we do that and continue to seek him out in every area of our lives, he takes over from there.  We just have to listen and follow.  All of the knowledge is nothing without the grace and mercy to go with it.  Without it, it's just a story.  We have to beat ourselves over the head with it so it will drop into our hearts.  Head knowledge without heart knowledge is useless.  But let me tell you, when we feel it and when we drink it in...it will absolutely CHANGE OUR LIVES!  It's hard.  I am SO not where I need or want to be in the journey but even baby steps are huge when headed in the right direction.  It is not fun sometimes but it is necessary...crucial even.  Kirk has always said...as far back as I can remember..."it's painful but it's necessary."  It's so true.  We all have to be broken to be used to our full potential.  Whether we were broken in childhood or as an adult or both...we must be broken before Him.  He wants us to pour ourselves out to him.  We are never more vulnerable than when we are broken.  We are vulnerable to God but also to Satan...he could care less what we're going through.  That's why we must always guard our hearts. (Prov. 4:23)

I want nothing more than for Him to come in and work me over for His glory.  I desire Him and Him alone.  Unlike the program for my computer...He is a Warrior that can salvage any life.  I know because He has done it for me.  He is doing it for me.  He is more than capable of taking what is broken and making it whole again.  Taking our clutter and creating a beautiful masterpiece with it.  

No matter where you are on your journey.  This my prayer... 

God, hide us.  Shield our broken and tender hearts.  Raise us up in your power to live our lives in complete and total surrender to you.  Plant our feet firmly in the places you would have us go.  We are listening...your servants are listening and we will do what you say.  You would never lead us somewhere that you would not go with us.   We can count on you to take the broken pieces of our messed up lives and start to put them together again.  We can trust you in the process that you will be gentle with our hearts.  In You there is hope...and a future.  Make us whole, Jesus!  

Pray

Please pray for a little girl named Zoe Goss.  To find out more about her condition and the specific prayer needs go here.  

The Best Question Ever...

Sooooo....I think I'm pretty much the worst blogger in the history of man-kind at this point.  I wish I was one of those people who posted everyday or at least every other day.  But, I'm just not at this point in my life.  I know that when I have kids and more going on I will post more frequently but for now it's just random, here and there posts.  I don't know why I am even explaining myself but that's just what I do, I guess.  :-)

I have never been a person with a lot to say or a lot on my mind.  I am super chilled and laid back.  I get that from my daddy.  I do worry sometimes about things and think too hard about them and make them bigger than they need to be.  I can worry over something until I'm sick but that doesn't happen a lot.  I went to a chiropractor a few months ago and he said I had an issue in the middle of my back that he had to pop back into place.  He asked me if I was stressed out because not many people have that subluxation and man did it hurt when he popped it into place.  So, I might worry more than I think I do.  Who knows????

I started listening to a podcast that a friend of mine referred me to last night about making decisions.  It's called "The Best Question Ever." by Andy Stanley.  It's in 6 parts and I have only made it through Part 1 but it is awesome!  It's also a book.  I'm sure you can get it at Lifeway but I found it on Amazon last night.  The question is...when asking yourself, should I get into this relationship, should I make this financial investment, should I buy this car, should I home school my kids, and on and on..."What is the wise thing for me to do in light of my past experiences, my present situation, and my future hopes and dreams?"   He takes a scripture that Paul wrote in Ephesians to the church at Ephesus and explains how he came up with the question.  They were basically trying to live in a place of extreme moral decay but still remain faithful and obedient to the Lord and his will for their lives.  Andy talks about how we try to search out scripture to tell us what to do but there is not always a specific scripture to refer to sometimes.  How should we make decisions in life when we don't have a solid answer from a specific verse in scripture that pertains to the situation we are facing?  I am super excited about listening to the rest of the podcast and digging deeper into this simple question to live my life by.  The hardest thing about it is that we are, in most cases, not going to like the answer as much as we like just being ignorant.  I know that we are all able to think of at least one decision we have made in the past that we look back on with regret or see how it has negatively impacted our life.  

So, now that the new year has started and we are only 8 days in, it still feels like a fresh start and we have all made our resolutions and are attempting to keep them.  Some have already fallen off the wagon.  No worries!  Don't put so much pressure on yourself.  I do this and it has not been working for me!  I am trying to approach things that need changing in my life differently than I did last year.  

For instance, I want to lose weight.  BAD!!!!  I am starting with small goals and letting them lead to my ultimate goal as opposed to thinking about the big picture and stressing over how I will pull it off.  I joined Weight Watchers last night.  I am realizing how prideful I am right now because I want to delete that last sentence.  I am fighting the urge!!!  :-)  I ordered the 2009 starter kit on ebay and two workout videos from Tracy Anderson.  She is the personal trainer of Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna.  I do not want to look like Madonna but I think she's just a freak of nature with those arms.  Wow!  Anyway, I am doing things that will get me to the place that I want to be physically so I can get to where I want to be mentally about myself.  I don't want to hold myself back any longer and the only person I can blame for letting this get out of hand is me.  Sure, I have a thyroid problem and have to take meds everyday (which I HATE by the way) but that is not going to stop me.  Plus, at some point in my life, I am going to be responsible for feeding my family and I don't want to learn with them.  I want to already have this thing tucked away in my back pocket and it be second nature to me.  

So, good luck with all of your resolutions and we will stick this thing out together.  I know it's going to be hard but determination is creeping up on me and I'm excited to see what I'm actually capable of.  I know you are too!  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!  Let's make it a great one!  

Oh...I'm also reading the Bible in chronological order if anyone wants to join me.  I can email you the reading schedule.  My email account is ashleyguilbert@gmail.com.

Time to go...

Well, the time has come for me to go back home.  I am super sad to leave my family.  I have been able to be with them for over a month and I am spoiled.  I still don't feel too hot and now I have a tooth ache that is really making me miserable.  Thank goodness for left over pain medicine!!  :-)  It has taken the edge off.  I always seem to have things like this happen to me on days when I can't get to the doctor.  Pray that it stays under control until I get back to Nashville on Thursday.  I don't even know of a dentist in Nashville...I'll have to ask around.  

So...time to pack all my things and get a few hours of sleep before my 6:45 flight in the morning.  We have a show in ATL and then a new year's eve show in LA...then it's home Nashville. 

I read this tonight and thought I'd share it with you guys.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Elisabeth Elliot.  She is an author among many many other things...an incredible woman to say the least.  Many years ago someone gave me the book "Passion and Purity"...changed my view on dating and relationships completely!  Loved it!  

Anyway...here is what I read.

In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, we see with startling clarity the cleverness of the enemy in deceiving human

 beings.  selfishness has a thousand forms, most of which we are slow to recognize for what they are.  I was thinking about the fear of loss and what a stranglehold it can have on me.  As I listed some of the things I dreaded to lose, it occurred to me that this fear is a deadly form of selfishness.  Selfishness does terrible things to us, but it does not stop there.  It does terrible things to others.  "Saving our own skin" usually results in skinning somebody else.  Think, for example, of the fear of losing reputation, opportunity for advancement, credit, recognition, position, beauty, youth, health, money, the love of friends or children, compliments, popularity, security, privacy, rights, people you love, job, home, dreams, and power.

As I considered each of these separately, I began to think what sort of sin each king of loss tempts me to commit.  Then I thought about what kind of faith is required to enable me to commit those fears to God.  Has He, in fact, made provision for these things?  The list is not a list of sins----make no mistake about that.  It is a list of blessings, of gifts from God.  But to grasp them selfishly and greedily, to hang on to them fiercely and allow myself to be enslaved by the fear of losing them, is to deny Christ.  "Do not fear," He says to us, "for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)

 

Never thought of it quite like that before.

And...just another little blessing for you...

This....is just about as good as it gets!  Look at that smile! -->

Gage at 6 months old with my mom(or Lolly as the GK's call her)  

Going home...

It's been a really long time since I posted...I suck, I know!  :-)  

I am currently in the DFW airport.   I have been in Africa since December 4th...left the US on the 3rd.  First we were in Lagos, Nigeria...then Calibar, Nigeria.  Our first show in Lagos was cancelled because of torrential rains.  I know it sounds dramatic and it was!  The tents we were supposed to wait in literally flooded and the sound system stopped working because of the water.  It was really bad.  Luckily we didn't ever have to leave the hotel and get out in all that water but some of the artists did and they came back telling us how horrible it was.  Plus, I would've ruined my new awesome shoes and that would've hurt me bad...even if it was for ministry.  Don't mess with my shoes!  :-)  I am Alice Ruth Faulk Guilbert's granddaughter!  

BUT... they also came back telling us about the 300,000+ people who stood out in that rain to hear about Jesus and the music that all the artists had prepared to share with them.  They had to be soaked thru and thru but they stood out there anyway.  I really wanted to see that...even if I had to go barefoot.  Oh well...sometimes things work out that way. 

 The concert in Calibar was great!  Those precious people were singing their hearts out to Jesus!  It was beautiful!!!  

I'm so blessed to do what I do.  I try not to be negative about anything but right now I just want to be at home!!!  I have been on 3 planes...one for an hour...then spent a few hours at a hotel in Lagos...another flight to Frankfurt, Germany...6 hours...had a whole row to myself, which made me so so so happy, then another to DFW...11 hours...no one sitting beside me...slept on and off the whole time...can't believe it!  I am coming to the end of a 5 hour layover in Dallas.  I paid too much money to get a cab to the mall close by just to get away from the airport for a few hours...otherwise I might have gone insane. :-)    SOOOOO ready to get on this plane...my 4th...and see my daddy at the airport so he can take me to his house with the rest of my family...minus Heith, Jess, and Harper.  :-(  I am so ready to see Gage!  My sister just told me he's doing things he wasn't doing when I left a week ago.  He'll probably be asleep but I'm going to go in and look at him...it will get me through until the morning.  :-)

Almost time to leave Dallas so I'll wrap it up.  

Thank you Lord...even though the flying for days really stinks...for allowing me to have this life.  I am so grateful that you have chosen me to do this for a living!  I hope I make you proud!

the apple

First of all, I want you to go and read this before anything else.  It's beautiful.  My friend Angie has an amazing story and if you have time at some point you should definitely go back and read ALL...yes, all of her posts.  They will bless you and cause your heart to be stirred but more importantly they will point you in the direction of the Savior...you will fall in love with him in a deeper way by the way she has chosen to love him in the midst of her pain.  

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time and I am hoping that I can catch up within the next few weeks.  I have some things I want to share and then just some random meaningless nothings that will make you laugh.  I was journaling today and decided to share one of my recent journal entries with you.  

October 22, 2008

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves.  For My yoke is easy and My burden light."        Matt. 11:28-30

In elementary school I was not the most popular kid.   I had glasses...pretty thick ones if I remember correctly and was pencil thin.  Oh to be thin again!  :-)  I'm working on it!  LOL.  I didn't dress with name brands and get my clothes from the mall.  I wore mostly hand-me-downs.  Mind you, I was oblivious to this.  I never thought anything of it and actually was excited to have "new" clothes.  My parents bought me new clothes too but people in the church would always give me their clothes when they outgrew them.  I was always a pretty easy kid to please.  So, back to the story...I remember one day very well.  It was one of the days we ate our lunch outside.  I guess, from time to time, Mrs. Converse...my teacher...thought it was too beautiful a day to stay inside for lunch.

We opened out lunch boxes...pretty sure mine was a Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with the lovely Thermos :-)...and we pulled out whatever our mothers had packed for us to eat.  I can't remember exactly what mine had in it but I do remember that I had a shiny red apple.  I'm sure my mom had packed a sandwich and some chips as well but the reason I remember the apple so well is because at some point, and I'm almost positive that it was before I had taken a single bite, it was out of my hands and the other kids were kicking it around the playground.  I was devastated.  I remember my heart breaking watching them kick my apple around that day.  It might as well have been my heart they were kicking around.  It wasn't because I had wanted that apple so badly or that I had been looking forward to eating it all morning...I mean, seriously, I was in elementary school and I am sure I would've rather had cookies but it was the fact that it belonged to me and they didn't care that it hurt my feelings.  I have been called super sensitive on many occasions but I was really sensitive when I was little.  Kids can be cruel and I'm sure that they were just having fun and obviously way too young to think about how it would make me feel but as I was heart broken just the same.  I don't remember exactly what went through my mind but I do remember picking up my apple, post-kicking, and it looked horrible.  It was all bruised and scarred...some of the peeling was hanging off and it wasn't shiny anymore.  I went back to the classroom with my little heart just as torn up as that apple.  We all sat down at our desks and when we all got quite Mrs. Converse called me up to her desk.  I was so embarrassed.  After what had just happened, I wasn't sure what was about to go on.  I hoped she wasn't in on it too and decided I hadn't been humiliated enough.  She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out...a piece of candy.  This story would've been perfect had she pulled out a brand new shiny red apple.  But sometimes stories with happy endings aren't always perfect...which, in a way, makes them even more special.  In front of the whole class she held out that candy for me and told the class that because they had been so mean and had kicked my apple around that she was giving me this piece of candy and that I had permission to eat it right then and there.  It reminds me of a certain prayer..."You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies"  HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!  :-)  I don't remember if I ate it then or saved it but I do remember walking back to my desk feeling so much better.  I felt special.  I felt validated.  I'm sure that I smiled on my way back to my desk and good while after.  I have never forgotten that teacher...Mrs. Converse.  I could tell you exactly what she looked like to this day.  

I will never forget that day...here I am, an almost 32 year old woman, and I still remember the way I felt that day.  As I sit here on my balcony, with a heart a little beaten up, bruised, sometimes kicked around, and with a few scars, I can't help but think of how Mrs. Converse showed me a little bit of Jesus that day...whether she meant to or not.  I feel like my heart has been kicked around the playground again...intentional or unintentional...but today, instead of Mrs. Converse, God has come to the rescue.  He has picked my heart up out of the dirt and is dusting it off in His precious nail scarred hands.  He knows exactly what it's like to have a heart as broken and scarred as mine.   Of course, He's not going to pull a brand new shiny red heart out of his desk drawer but He is going to work on mine and make it as good as new.  Sure, it will still have some scars and the memory being broken from time to time but it will be whole.  It will be washed and mended and covered in the blood of Jesus.  

I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart.  I am sure have been the reason some hearts have been broken. But I also know that in Christ there is total restoration and redemption.  He alone can mend our broken hearts.  He alone can set my captive soul free.  I am so glad that He is always willing to bring healing.  We are in constant need of a Savior.  In the best and the worst of times we can count him trustworthy.  When we feel lonely He is always there.  He is ready and  oh so willing for us to hand over our pitiful broken hearts and let him go to work.  Now, the process is always going to be painful but you can be assured that the end result is a heart that is whole...a heart that is strong.  Trust Him with your heart...there is no safer place for it then in His loving hands.  

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character provides hope.  This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."        Romans 5:3-5

What a precious gift!!!  

Okay...so I already posted some pics today of Harper (check the post before this one) but Jessica just took these and I had to put them up!  They are too cute.

TUTU...

Pictures

I wanted to make sure and update you on Baby Pratt!  He is still in the nicu but is being given antibiotics for the infection and based on the results of his spinal tap yesterday will get to go home on Sunday!!!!  Yay!  His parents will get to spend Saturday night at the hospital with him before they take him home!  Thanks for your prayers!  

Now for some recent pictures of my niece, Harper, and my nephew, Gage.  They are the cutest kids!!!  Enjoy...

First...GAGE...they need to send me more pictures but these are the most recent!

 almost 3 months old...baby dedication picture
in his onesie that Lolly got him
breanne and gage at our parents house
gage loves his baby Einstein play mat

little shoes
I love this picture!
ready for bed at Lolly and pops house
look at that face!
Harper at 7 and a half months old...crazy girl!!

getting ready to crawl
it's our favorite when she puts her gums together like this!

I love this picture!
all about this face...Harper on her changing pad sitting up like a big girl
happy girl
and again...just happy
so cute in her little smocked outfit
baby dedication photo shoot...




Heith, Jessica, and Harper on baby dedication day at their church in Lafayette, LA
Mother/Daughter pic
more of baby dedication photo shoot....

They are the greatest little people!  I miss them so much!

Pratt. Allen. Fulks.

Please pray for a friend of mine and her little boy Pratt this morning.  I don't know all the details but I just got a text from a friend that informed me that Pratt...born Saturday evening...has been put in the nicu because he is having trouble breathing.  I don't know any of the details but I do know that no matter what the issue, having your brand new baby in the nicu for any reason is a super scary thing.  I am asking all of you to lift little Pratt up to the Lord and his parents Hannah and Clint.  This is their first baby and I know they would appreciate all of our prayers! Her blog is in my blog list.  Thank you!

Going home...

The trip to Europe has come to an end and we head to the airport in less than three hours.  It's been a great trip!  Hopefully I will have some pictures soon to share with you.  We did 7 shows while we were here.  I will write more about the trip when I get home but for now...Please pray for us as we travel.  We start at 4am and get home Friday night around 7:30pm.  See you in the States!!! 

Europe...

Well...it's the middle of the night and I am supposed to be packing for my trip to Europe.  Before you get all excited for me and wish you were going with me, I should mention that this is not a "fun" trip.  It's a work trip in every sense of the word.  We have 7 shows in 9 days...6 different countries.  Hard trip for us but it will be super fun.  I might come back and hibernate for 2 days just to catch up on rest but we will make the most of it!  On two occasions we will ride a bus to the next city...this will be the extent of our sightseeing this go round because of time.  But, I am going to several cities that I've never been before so I'm excited about that...even though I may only get to see the hotel and the venue, I will still be able to say that I've been there!  I am so thankful for my life and I feel so blessed that God has called me to do this...especially since I get to sing about Him!!  I will be leaving tomorrow (technically today) and coming back on the 12th.  I will try to post while I'm gone but have no idea what internet situation will be in any of the hotels I'm in and I refuse to pay a million dollars for one day of internet access.  However, some hotels offer free internet from time to time and I am hoping that at least one of them will be one of the some.  Anyway, back to my trip.  I am in the process of packing.  I stopped because I got frustrated and this is why.  When traveling within Europe they only allow one carry on bag and one checked bag that can only weigh 44 pounds...very random...but I don't want to spend every dime I make over there on luggage fees.  So, I'm trying to accomplish this task.  Anyone who knows me well or has ever traveled with me knows that I am not a light packer.  I pack the "just in case" stuff.  I feel panicky if I don't have extra.  Well, the plan is to pack 3 outfits for stage and 3 outfits for everyday and just switch it up.  I went to Dillard's the other day and they had their Adidas sweatsuits on sale for 50 percent off.  They are light weight and I can put a fresh t-shirt on under them each day.  I still think that's gross, to wear the same things for several days in a row.  But, I have no choice.  Now I'm getting stressed and feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.  I should get back to the packing...I have to go funnel hair products into tiny bottles so they don't take up precious poundage in my bag!  Then hopefully, I can at least get a few hours sleep before my ride gets here bright and early!   

Garrison Manning Guilbert...final post.

When Garrison was born on the 14th I asked a friend to start up a prayer website for him.  It was a way for Breanne and the rest of us to see the number of people praying for her "wittle man".  A few days later someone told me about a website that was for people like us...families with loved ones in the hospital...a way for everyone at home to keep up with Garrison's progress and a direct line for prayer requests.  It was such a blessing and I recommend it to anyone who has a sick loved one in the hospital for a lengthy stay.  You can visit Garrison's page...it's still up...at caringbridge.org.  Go to the VISIT link at the top of the page and when the page loads type in garrsionguilbert in the first box and enter.  The journal has every post we ever wrote and also has all of the entries in the guestbook that were ever written.  It will take you a long time to read the story but it has much more detail then I could write here.  I have spent the entire night reading it all again...reliving it...which brought back many memories.  I have cried as if it happened yesterday.

From March 21st to April 7th we held strong to our faith.  We knew that God could, at any moment, completely heal Garrison of all his infection.  We had the promise and the hope of Psalm 34:19 to hold strong to.  Garrison's urine output had been so little that he tripled in size.  He looked like a different baby.  He was on heavy sedation and given morphine for the pain.  There were life saving measures that needed to be taken but the doctor could do none of them in his present state.  At one point he started peeing again and we prayed and prayed for more.  We cried out to Lord for his healing.  My daddy literally screamed at the top of his lungs for it.  He would go out into the yard...my parents live in the country...and cry out to the Lord on Garrison's behalf.  Thinking of that makes me proud but also brings tears to my eyes.  We WANTED him!!!  We didn't want to live our lives without Garrison.  We had a strong bond with him.  We knew if we felt the way we did that Breanne must have felt it a thousand times stronger.  We also knew how much more God loved him...for He had written his story and knew it play by play...moment by moment.  

Garrison did not improve.  He didn't get worse but he didn't get any better.  It was the 6th of April when the doctor told mom and Breanne that there was nothing more that he could do for Garrison...that it was up to him now.   We knew who it was up to...the Healer himself.  And we trusted him.  We held tight to our faith and would not waiver.  

His little body was full of fluid.  I can not even bring myself to share with you the effects his illness had on him...the ones we could see anyway.  I can't even let myself think of the pain he was in...although heavily medicated, I know he felt horrible.  The doctor told them he would not make it through the night.  I was in Dallas...we were recording an album.  It was a Saturday night...I was at an Easter service with my roommate, Kim, and missed my dad's call.   As soon as the service was over I checked my voicemail.  It was bad news...I had to get to Breanne.  My roommate arranged my flight.  I would leave in two hours.  I rushed home and threw my stuff into a suitcase...not knowing what to expect, I packed a black dress.  I hoped I wouldn't need it.  Even as I put it into the suitcase I begged for Garrison to live.  

I arrived in Little Rock at around 10pm.  My dad picked me up and took me straight to the hospital.  When we got to the waiting room...mom and Breanne were in with Garrison.  Dad said we could both go back...it scared me because for all the seven weeks we were there only two at a time could go in to be with him.  I asked..."we can all be in there?"  Dad had a look on his face that I will never forget...he said "they are letting us all be in there for as long as we want."  It crushed me...I knew why.  When I went in, I saw Breanne holding Garrison's hand and singing to him...she looked so tired and so broken.  They asked her if she would like to hold him but told her that if she did, they would not be able to hook him back up to the machines. She wanted him to have the best chance possible and told them no.  I put my hands on his little chest...my fingers left impressions in his skin...I didn't know if I was hurting him but couldn't stand the thought of him not feeling our touch.  We all wanted so badly to comfort him.  My sister could no longer find the strength to sing to him so I began.  The only song in my head was the one we had recorded the day before in the studio.  It's on Kirk's last album...Fight Of My Life.  I sang to him as I lightly touched his chest.  Breanne held his hand.  At times you could tell he was crying but the tubes prevented any sound from coming out.  He was dying.  It was obvious but we continued to pray.  At around 1am all his vitals started plummeting.  I moved aside...could only see the back of the doctor's head...but I heard his words and I saw my sisters face.  "He's not with us anymore."  Breanne went straight for him.  The nurses had to stop her and told her gently that they must remove his tubes before she could hold him.  It would be the first time she held her little boy.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.  She had longed for this day to come...to hold him and kiss him.  It was not supposed to be like this!  My heart began to harden.  I was mad...mad at God.  What of the promises he had given us?  Why had he not healed him?  I was confused.  I screamed so loud that my mom had to push my head into her shoulder to muffle the cries.  It was too much to bear...I felt my heart breaking as if it literally had been torn from my chest...not as much for Garrison as for Breanne.  

We left Little Rock the next day.  I had tried to leave the night before and go home to my parents house and take down all of Garrison's things so my sister would not have to walk into what was supposed to be there.  My dad's truck just shut off as I was driving away and I had to stay.  Some friends of mine went in my place.  Each of them had lost a baby to miscarriage before and knew how Breanne would feel.  Although it was painful for them...they made the sacrifice.  It speaks volumes about their character.  When we drove away from the trailer a sound came from Breanne that I don't ever want to hear again as long as I live.  All those weeks and she left with only the belongings she had brought with her.  Her milk still swelling inside her...a constant reminder of what was lost.  To be honest, it seemed cruel.  My heart hardened even more.  The ride home was rough.  The first stop we had to make in Texarkana (a little over two hours away) was the funeral home.  Another church member and dear friend of the family had come the night before and taken Garrison's body from Children's hospital and brought him home.  Breanne had to pick out his casket.  Nothing will ever prepare you for that.  Seeing those tiny little coffins was enough to send us all back into tears.  She picked a white cloth one. 

 

The funeral was beautiful...a celebration of his life.  He was buried in a little cemetery down the street from my parents house.  They bought plots at the same time so when the Lord takes them home they will lay beside our beloved little Garrison.  

It has been a year and 4 months since he died.  The pain has let up a little.  Garrison has a little brother, Gage, that knows nothing of his brave big brother yet.  But we will tell him all about him when the time comes.  

In Garrison's short life, he had no voice but spoke volumes about Christ.  Many people came back to the Lord...many prayed non-stop for him that had not prayed in a very long time...he changed people's lives.  He brought our church together at a much needed time.  These are only the obvious things that Christ did through his life.  We will never know the full extent of what the Lord did through him.  

I mentioned my heart hardening toward God.  It only took one night to melt it again.  Breanne had come to stay with me shortly after the funeral.  We had been talking about getting tattoos and were looking up some scripture and it's meaning online.  We looked up Psalm 34:19.  The scripture that we had claimed for Garrison.  I was not prepared for what we found.  It is written in Hebrew on the inside of my left forearm.  

The website is called "Hebrew for Christians" and this is what it said.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. Psalm 34:19"

in Hebrew...

'rabbot ra'ot tzaddik, u'mikkullam yatzilenu Adonai'  

'will deliver him' in Hebrew is 'yatzilenu' which comes from the word 'natzal', a verb that means to ' physically snatch away'...

Lord, forgive my unbelief.  

The promise was true.  He will never fail us.  He is sovereign.  He is faithful.  He will never lie.  

BELIEVE!!!!!

and a few pictures to put faces to the names in this story.  The one above is my tattoo..."The Lord will deliver him." in hebrew.

My sister...these were taken a few weeks after Garrison died...when she was in Dallas with me.

And Garrison's little brother Gage...taken just a few days ago.

The bottom picture of Breanne shows the tattoo she got...the inside of her wrist..."Stinker" what she called Garrison.