My computer crashed...sort of...a few weeks ago. I turned it on and nothing but a grey screen and a folder with a big question mark inside it was flashing at me. Normally when I turn it on my desktop pulls up and I can get to things easily. But I couldn't get anything to happen. It was totally locked up. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I am in no way computer savvy so I was totally at a loss. No idea what was going on. So...I did what any responsible Mac user would do and used my iPhone to book an appointment with a "Genius." They are literally called that and you can schedule...for free...a 15 minute session with them at the Genius Bar. Clever. I must admit...these guys, and sometimes girls, are lifesavers for this computer illiterate Mac owner.
When I got there and they hooked up my computer, the problem was very obvious to them. I'll spare you the details but they explained it to me like this... My computer basically had too much info. on it and had so much info. on it, in fact, that it was confused and couldn't read what was on the hard drive anymore. All I wanted to know was..."what do I do to fix it?" My Genius was more than willing to fix it but it would not be the answer that I wanted. He said that I would have to erase everything on my hard drive and totally reinstall the software for my computer. WRONG answer sir! I was sick. I had NEVER backed up anything...iPhoto...iTunes...programs...Windows...nothing. I would loose everything. But it was necessary and so I had to do it. He said there was one way that I might be able save some of the things on my computer...I was listening. I knew it would involve money...always does. He said that I would have to get a program called DiskWarrior and it would be my only way to save anything...but still no guarantee. Then from there I could transfer anything that the program found to an external hard drive at that point and then erase and install. When my computer was totally clean...I could then reload the stuff I transfered to the external hard drive, onto my computers hard drive and bam...everything would be saved.
$200 later, I supposedly had everything I needed to save my precious files. I went home...I ran the program and...NOTHING. DiskWarrior had failed to save any of my stuff. I was so mad. I have a feeling the things I purchased to make this magical recovery happen aren't refundable.:-( So...with a sick feeling in my stomach, I began to erase and install. I was thinking of pictures that I would never get back from Africa and Europe. Pictures of my niece and nephews that I hope I put on a disk before all of this happened. My ENTIRE iTunes library full of music that I had either spent hours putting on my computer from CD or bought on iTunes.
When the computer was free and clear and ready to be used again, I opened up iPhoto and cried. I opened up iTunes...completely empty of any sign that I ever had thousands of songs there. Windows...gone. Downloads...gone. Very sad. BUT...
My computer was free and clear. I could start fresh. It was like a new computer. No signs of clutter. No signs of the past. It ran faster when I got online. I could download new stuff and get updates on all of my programs. I will never ignore the warnings to back my stuff up or put it on my $100 external hard drive again! :-) Don't you just love spending money on stupid stuff like that? Boo!
I haven't written here in a long time. I haven't had the strength to share what my heart has been through over the past few months. I haven't even known where to begin with it all. I have had to make some tough decisions....have some tough conversations...make some scary choices. See, very much like my computer, I was so cluttered with stuff...some of it precious, some of it dark, some of it secret and painful. Some of it was hidden so well that I couldn't even see it. Just like my computer, I had things deep within me that I didn't know how to get to. There were things I didn't know how to retrieve. I was broken. Only I couldn't see the folder with the big question mark in the middle of the screen flashing at me. That would've been so obvious. But my question marks were hidden. The question marks in my life that I couldn't figure out what they meant or how to deal with them or how to call them up to face them...hidden. I had to be forced to look at them. And, boy, was it painful. Fortunately, I was loved enough to be called out on it...to be challenged to see it. I thank God daily for my "mirrors"...the people in my life that aren't afraid to show me what they see in me that needs to change.
Denial is a powerful thing...much bigger than us. I would go as far as to say that there is a demon named Denial in Satan's army of liars. Denial literally means...I don't see. The problem with denial is that you don't see it until you're forced to. Until there is so much clutter that you literally break. There are all kinds of symptoms and variables to denial but, when in denial, you don't even associate those things with what you're in denial about. Let me just say...secret things are what the Enemy uses to keep us bound...keep our minds so tangled up that we can't even think straight. They are what rip families apart and cause pastors to fall. They are what keep a wall up between friends and cause us to isolate ourselves from people we so desperately need. There is NO greater feeling than being fully known and loved anyway. None that I've experienced yet at 32. It is very uncomfortable and very humbling but worth every single minute of it. My very favorite person told me that "the truth causes you to trust the heart of a person." That's what it's all about. Truth is hard. Truth sometimes stings the people closest to you...the ones you love the most. Truth causes tension....it makes things worse sometimes before it makes things better. But there is a reason the Word of God says...."the truth will set you free." (John 8) Being exposed...being broken is the ONLY way, in my opinion, to have an authentic relationship with God. It hurts like you wouldn't believe at times but the freedom in it is absolutely...100%...worth it.
What happens when you get all that clutter out? It is a perfect opportunity for God to come in and, like a friend told me over lunch the other day, "download" his plan, purpose, and destiny for you. And, like my computer, you'll have a fresh clean slate for your Father to write his thoughts toward you and about you on. No longer will you have so much to sift through that you can't get to the heart of who you are. Your hard drive will be wiped clean and the process of healing and wholeness will begin to download in it's place, replacing the secrets, the lies, the unhealthy deposits...all of the things that kept you from being known, loved, and free. What a beautiful God that would allow us to be restored like that. What a beautiful Savior to come in and wipe our hearts clean for a fresh start and at the same time give us a mind to remember where we've been...never to go back. Praise you Lord! Do you understand what a second and a third and seventh and 100th chance means? It is called redemption. And it's ours. God is concerned about us. He is mindful of us. He thinks thoughts about us...so many, in fact, that we cannot even comprehend them. They aren't the lies that we tell ourselves but the truth that contradicts those lies...these are the thoughts He has toward us and about us. To think that God in his power and his love would send his Son to die on an old rugged cross, to bear my junk...my sin...my secrets...my past...it is just too much for me to take in all at once. Without a single word He took our punishment FOR us! Little by little, the God of the Universe, seeps into our hearts and spirits and takes them over...when we allow Him to. When we choose Him we choose life. He will never force himself on us. We have been given a gift in even that...we have a choice. We matter so much to him that he would even allow us freedom to make the decision to follow him on our own. I don't know how to describe what that means to me.
If you have never experienced the love of Christ. If all of this is foreign to you. That's okay. It was foreign to me too until very recently. I grew up in church. I heard a pastor say the other day that he had a drug problem as a child and teenager...his parents "drug" him to church everytime the doors were open. I love that! I had the same upbringing. My parents showed us the love of the Lord everyday. My mom and dad seek after God on a daily basis. My grandmother was one of the wisest people I've ever known and loved the Lord with all of her being...served him until the day she died. But none of that compares to knowing it from EXPERIENCE! There is no formula to this. This is a faith that can only be known and lived out by seeking God on our own. By finding out what He wants us to do and then doing it. It's not enough to know and then hope I do the right thing when the time comes. If we know what to do and don't do it, the Bible calls us a corpse. What good will we be that way? We are respondsible for taking the first step toward him. Once we do that and continue to seek him out in every area of our lives, he takes over from there. We just have to listen and follow. All of the knowledge is nothing without the grace and mercy to go with it. Without it, it's just a story. We have to beat ourselves over the head with it so it will drop into our hearts. Head knowledge without heart knowledge is useless. But let me tell you, when we feel it and when we drink it in...it will absolutely CHANGE OUR LIVES! It's hard. I am SO not where I need or want to be in the journey but even baby steps are huge when headed in the right direction. It is not fun sometimes but it is necessary...crucial even. Kirk has always said...as far back as I can remember..."it's painful but it's necessary." It's so true. We all have to be broken to be used to our full potential. Whether we were broken in childhood or as an adult or both...we must be broken before Him. He wants us to pour ourselves out to him. We are never more vulnerable than when we are broken. We are vulnerable to God but also to Satan...he could care less what we're going through. That's why we must always guard our hearts. (Prov. 4:23)
I want nothing more than for Him to come in and work me over for His glory. I desire Him and Him alone. Unlike the program for my computer...He is a Warrior that can salvage any life. I know because He has done it for me. He is doing it for me. He is more than capable of taking what is broken and making it whole again. Taking our clutter and creating a beautiful masterpiece with it.
No matter where you are on your journey. This my prayer...
God, hide us. Shield our broken and tender hearts. Raise us up in your power to live our lives in complete and total surrender to you. Plant our feet firmly in the places you would have us go. We are listening...your servants are listening and we will do what you say. You would never lead us somewhere that you would not go with us. We can count on you to take the broken pieces of our messed up lives and start to put them together again. We can trust you in the process that you will be gentle with our hearts. In You there is hope...and a future. Make us whole, Jesus!
