Time to go...

Well, the time has come for me to go back home.  I am super sad to leave my family.  I have been able to be with them for over a month and I am spoiled.  I still don't feel too hot and now I have a tooth ache that is really making me miserable.  Thank goodness for left over pain medicine!!  :-)  It has taken the edge off.  I always seem to have things like this happen to me on days when I can't get to the doctor.  Pray that it stays under control until I get back to Nashville on Thursday.  I don't even know of a dentist in Nashville...I'll have to ask around.  

So...time to pack all my things and get a few hours of sleep before my 6:45 flight in the morning.  We have a show in ATL and then a new year's eve show in LA...then it's home Nashville. 

I read this tonight and thought I'd share it with you guys.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Elisabeth Elliot.  She is an author among many many other things...an incredible woman to say the least.  Many years ago someone gave me the book "Passion and Purity"...changed my view on dating and relationships completely!  Loved it!  

Anyway...here is what I read.

In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, we see with startling clarity the cleverness of the enemy in deceiving human

 beings.  selfishness has a thousand forms, most of which we are slow to recognize for what they are.  I was thinking about the fear of loss and what a stranglehold it can have on me.  As I listed some of the things I dreaded to lose, it occurred to me that this fear is a deadly form of selfishness.  Selfishness does terrible things to us, but it does not stop there.  It does terrible things to others.  "Saving our own skin" usually results in skinning somebody else.  Think, for example, of the fear of losing reputation, opportunity for advancement, credit, recognition, position, beauty, youth, health, money, the love of friends or children, compliments, popularity, security, privacy, rights, people you love, job, home, dreams, and power.

As I considered each of these separately, I began to think what sort of sin each king of loss tempts me to commit.  Then I thought about what kind of faith is required to enable me to commit those fears to God.  Has He, in fact, made provision for these things?  The list is not a list of sins----make no mistake about that.  It is a list of blessings, of gifts from God.  But to grasp them selfishly and greedily, to hang on to them fiercely and allow myself to be enslaved by the fear of losing them, is to deny Christ.  "Do not fear," He says to us, "for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)

 

Never thought of it quite like that before.

And...just another little blessing for you...

This....is just about as good as it gets!  Look at that smile! -->

Gage at 6 months old with my mom(or Lolly as the GK's call her)  

Going home...

It's been a really long time since I posted...I suck, I know!  :-)  

I am currently in the DFW airport.   I have been in Africa since December 4th...left the US on the 3rd.  First we were in Lagos, Nigeria...then Calibar, Nigeria.  Our first show in Lagos was cancelled because of torrential rains.  I know it sounds dramatic and it was!  The tents we were supposed to wait in literally flooded and the sound system stopped working because of the water.  It was really bad.  Luckily we didn't ever have to leave the hotel and get out in all that water but some of the artists did and they came back telling us how horrible it was.  Plus, I would've ruined my new awesome shoes and that would've hurt me bad...even if it was for ministry.  Don't mess with my shoes!  :-)  I am Alice Ruth Faulk Guilbert's granddaughter!  

BUT... they also came back telling us about the 300,000+ people who stood out in that rain to hear about Jesus and the music that all the artists had prepared to share with them.  They had to be soaked thru and thru but they stood out there anyway.  I really wanted to see that...even if I had to go barefoot.  Oh well...sometimes things work out that way. 

 The concert in Calibar was great!  Those precious people were singing their hearts out to Jesus!  It was beautiful!!!  

I'm so blessed to do what I do.  I try not to be negative about anything but right now I just want to be at home!!!  I have been on 3 planes...one for an hour...then spent a few hours at a hotel in Lagos...another flight to Frankfurt, Germany...6 hours...had a whole row to myself, which made me so so so happy, then another to DFW...11 hours...no one sitting beside me...slept on and off the whole time...can't believe it!  I am coming to the end of a 5 hour layover in Dallas.  I paid too much money to get a cab to the mall close by just to get away from the airport for a few hours...otherwise I might have gone insane. :-)    SOOOOO ready to get on this plane...my 4th...and see my daddy at the airport so he can take me to his house with the rest of my family...minus Heith, Jess, and Harper.  :-(  I am so ready to see Gage!  My sister just told me he's doing things he wasn't doing when I left a week ago.  He'll probably be asleep but I'm going to go in and look at him...it will get me through until the morning.  :-)

Almost time to leave Dallas so I'll wrap it up.  

Thank you Lord...even though the flying for days really stinks...for allowing me to have this life.  I am so grateful that you have chosen me to do this for a living!  I hope I make you proud!

the apple

First of all, I want you to go and read this before anything else.  It's beautiful.  My friend Angie has an amazing story and if you have time at some point you should definitely go back and read ALL...yes, all of her posts.  They will bless you and cause your heart to be stirred but more importantly they will point you in the direction of the Savior...you will fall in love with him in a deeper way by the way she has chosen to love him in the midst of her pain.  

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time and I am hoping that I can catch up within the next few weeks.  I have some things I want to share and then just some random meaningless nothings that will make you laugh.  I was journaling today and decided to share one of my recent journal entries with you.  

October 22, 2008

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves.  For My yoke is easy and My burden light."        Matt. 11:28-30

In elementary school I was not the most popular kid.   I had glasses...pretty thick ones if I remember correctly and was pencil thin.  Oh to be thin again!  :-)  I'm working on it!  LOL.  I didn't dress with name brands and get my clothes from the mall.  I wore mostly hand-me-downs.  Mind you, I was oblivious to this.  I never thought anything of it and actually was excited to have "new" clothes.  My parents bought me new clothes too but people in the church would always give me their clothes when they outgrew them.  I was always a pretty easy kid to please.  So, back to the story...I remember one day very well.  It was one of the days we ate our lunch outside.  I guess, from time to time, Mrs. Converse...my teacher...thought it was too beautiful a day to stay inside for lunch.

We opened out lunch boxes...pretty sure mine was a Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with the lovely Thermos :-)...and we pulled out whatever our mothers had packed for us to eat.  I can't remember exactly what mine had in it but I do remember that I had a shiny red apple.  I'm sure my mom had packed a sandwich and some chips as well but the reason I remember the apple so well is because at some point, and I'm almost positive that it was before I had taken a single bite, it was out of my hands and the other kids were kicking it around the playground.  I was devastated.  I remember my heart breaking watching them kick my apple around that day.  It might as well have been my heart they were kicking around.  It wasn't because I had wanted that apple so badly or that I had been looking forward to eating it all morning...I mean, seriously, I was in elementary school and I am sure I would've rather had cookies but it was the fact that it belonged to me and they didn't care that it hurt my feelings.  I have been called super sensitive on many occasions but I was really sensitive when I was little.  Kids can be cruel and I'm sure that they were just having fun and obviously way too young to think about how it would make me feel but as I was heart broken just the same.  I don't remember exactly what went through my mind but I do remember picking up my apple, post-kicking, and it looked horrible.  It was all bruised and scarred...some of the peeling was hanging off and it wasn't shiny anymore.  I went back to the classroom with my little heart just as torn up as that apple.  We all sat down at our desks and when we all got quite Mrs. Converse called me up to her desk.  I was so embarrassed.  After what had just happened, I wasn't sure what was about to go on.  I hoped she wasn't in on it too and decided I hadn't been humiliated enough.  She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out...a piece of candy.  This story would've been perfect had she pulled out a brand new shiny red apple.  But sometimes stories with happy endings aren't always perfect...which, in a way, makes them even more special.  In front of the whole class she held out that candy for me and told the class that because they had been so mean and had kicked my apple around that she was giving me this piece of candy and that I had permission to eat it right then and there.  It reminds me of a certain prayer..."You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies"  HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!  :-)  I don't remember if I ate it then or saved it but I do remember walking back to my desk feeling so much better.  I felt special.  I felt validated.  I'm sure that I smiled on my way back to my desk and good while after.  I have never forgotten that teacher...Mrs. Converse.  I could tell you exactly what she looked like to this day.  

I will never forget that day...here I am, an almost 32 year old woman, and I still remember the way I felt that day.  As I sit here on my balcony, with a heart a little beaten up, bruised, sometimes kicked around, and with a few scars, I can't help but think of how Mrs. Converse showed me a little bit of Jesus that day...whether she meant to or not.  I feel like my heart has been kicked around the playground again...intentional or unintentional...but today, instead of Mrs. Converse, God has come to the rescue.  He has picked my heart up out of the dirt and is dusting it off in His precious nail scarred hands.  He knows exactly what it's like to have a heart as broken and scarred as mine.   Of course, He's not going to pull a brand new shiny red heart out of his desk drawer but He is going to work on mine and make it as good as new.  Sure, it will still have some scars and the memory being broken from time to time but it will be whole.  It will be washed and mended and covered in the blood of Jesus.  

I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart.  I am sure have been the reason some hearts have been broken. But I also know that in Christ there is total restoration and redemption.  He alone can mend our broken hearts.  He alone can set my captive soul free.  I am so glad that He is always willing to bring healing.  We are in constant need of a Savior.  In the best and the worst of times we can count him trustworthy.  When we feel lonely He is always there.  He is ready and  oh so willing for us to hand over our pitiful broken hearts and let him go to work.  Now, the process is always going to be painful but you can be assured that the end result is a heart that is whole...a heart that is strong.  Trust Him with your heart...there is no safer place for it then in His loving hands.  

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character provides hope.  This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."        Romans 5:3-5

What a precious gift!!!  

Okay...so I already posted some pics today of Harper (check the post before this one) but Jessica just took these and I had to put them up!  They are too cute.

TUTU...

Pictures

I wanted to make sure and update you on Baby Pratt!  He is still in the nicu but is being given antibiotics for the infection and based on the results of his spinal tap yesterday will get to go home on Sunday!!!!  Yay!  His parents will get to spend Saturday night at the hospital with him before they take him home!  Thanks for your prayers!  

Now for some recent pictures of my niece, Harper, and my nephew, Gage.  They are the cutest kids!!!  Enjoy...

First...GAGE...they need to send me more pictures but these are the most recent!

 almost 3 months old...baby dedication picture
in his onesie that Lolly got him
breanne and gage at our parents house
gage loves his baby Einstein play mat

little shoes
I love this picture!
ready for bed at Lolly and pops house
look at that face!
Harper at 7 and a half months old...crazy girl!!

getting ready to crawl
it's our favorite when she puts her gums together like this!

I love this picture!
all about this face...Harper on her changing pad sitting up like a big girl
happy girl
and again...just happy
so cute in her little smocked outfit
baby dedication photo shoot...




Heith, Jessica, and Harper on baby dedication day at their church in Lafayette, LA
Mother/Daughter pic
more of baby dedication photo shoot....

They are the greatest little people!  I miss them so much!

Pratt. Allen. Fulks.

Please pray for a friend of mine and her little boy Pratt this morning.  I don't know all the details but I just got a text from a friend that informed me that Pratt...born Saturday evening...has been put in the nicu because he is having trouble breathing.  I don't know any of the details but I do know that no matter what the issue, having your brand new baby in the nicu for any reason is a super scary thing.  I am asking all of you to lift little Pratt up to the Lord and his parents Hannah and Clint.  This is their first baby and I know they would appreciate all of our prayers! Her blog is in my blog list.  Thank you!

Going home...

The trip to Europe has come to an end and we head to the airport in less than three hours.  It's been a great trip!  Hopefully I will have some pictures soon to share with you.  We did 7 shows while we were here.  I will write more about the trip when I get home but for now...Please pray for us as we travel.  We start at 4am and get home Friday night around 7:30pm.  See you in the States!!! 

Europe...

Well...it's the middle of the night and I am supposed to be packing for my trip to Europe.  Before you get all excited for me and wish you were going with me, I should mention that this is not a "fun" trip.  It's a work trip in every sense of the word.  We have 7 shows in 9 days...6 different countries.  Hard trip for us but it will be super fun.  I might come back and hibernate for 2 days just to catch up on rest but we will make the most of it!  On two occasions we will ride a bus to the next city...this will be the extent of our sightseeing this go round because of time.  But, I am going to several cities that I've never been before so I'm excited about that...even though I may only get to see the hotel and the venue, I will still be able to say that I've been there!  I am so thankful for my life and I feel so blessed that God has called me to do this...especially since I get to sing about Him!!  I will be leaving tomorrow (technically today) and coming back on the 12th.  I will try to post while I'm gone but have no idea what internet situation will be in any of the hotels I'm in and I refuse to pay a million dollars for one day of internet access.  However, some hotels offer free internet from time to time and I am hoping that at least one of them will be one of the some.  Anyway, back to my trip.  I am in the process of packing.  I stopped because I got frustrated and this is why.  When traveling within Europe they only allow one carry on bag and one checked bag that can only weigh 44 pounds...very random...but I don't want to spend every dime I make over there on luggage fees.  So, I'm trying to accomplish this task.  Anyone who knows me well or has ever traveled with me knows that I am not a light packer.  I pack the "just in case" stuff.  I feel panicky if I don't have extra.  Well, the plan is to pack 3 outfits for stage and 3 outfits for everyday and just switch it up.  I went to Dillard's the other day and they had their Adidas sweatsuits on sale for 50 percent off.  They are light weight and I can put a fresh t-shirt on under them each day.  I still think that's gross, to wear the same things for several days in a row.  But, I have no choice.  Now I'm getting stressed and feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.  I should get back to the packing...I have to go funnel hair products into tiny bottles so they don't take up precious poundage in my bag!  Then hopefully, I can at least get a few hours sleep before my ride gets here bright and early!   

Garrison Manning Guilbert...final post.

When Garrison was born on the 14th I asked a friend to start up a prayer website for him.  It was a way for Breanne and the rest of us to see the number of people praying for her "wittle man".  A few days later someone told me about a website that was for people like us...families with loved ones in the hospital...a way for everyone at home to keep up with Garrison's progress and a direct line for prayer requests.  It was such a blessing and I recommend it to anyone who has a sick loved one in the hospital for a lengthy stay.  You can visit Garrison's page...it's still up...at caringbridge.org.  Go to the VISIT link at the top of the page and when the page loads type in garrsionguilbert in the first box and enter.  The journal has every post we ever wrote and also has all of the entries in the guestbook that were ever written.  It will take you a long time to read the story but it has much more detail then I could write here.  I have spent the entire night reading it all again...reliving it...which brought back many memories.  I have cried as if it happened yesterday.

From March 21st to April 7th we held strong to our faith.  We knew that God could, at any moment, completely heal Garrison of all his infection.  We had the promise and the hope of Psalm 34:19 to hold strong to.  Garrison's urine output had been so little that he tripled in size.  He looked like a different baby.  He was on heavy sedation and given morphine for the pain.  There were life saving measures that needed to be taken but the doctor could do none of them in his present state.  At one point he started peeing again and we prayed and prayed for more.  We cried out to Lord for his healing.  My daddy literally screamed at the top of his lungs for it.  He would go out into the yard...my parents live in the country...and cry out to the Lord on Garrison's behalf.  Thinking of that makes me proud but also brings tears to my eyes.  We WANTED him!!!  We didn't want to live our lives without Garrison.  We had a strong bond with him.  We knew if we felt the way we did that Breanne must have felt it a thousand times stronger.  We also knew how much more God loved him...for He had written his story and knew it play by play...moment by moment.  

Garrison did not improve.  He didn't get worse but he didn't get any better.  It was the 6th of April when the doctor told mom and Breanne that there was nothing more that he could do for Garrison...that it was up to him now.   We knew who it was up to...the Healer himself.  And we trusted him.  We held tight to our faith and would not waiver.  

His little body was full of fluid.  I can not even bring myself to share with you the effects his illness had on him...the ones we could see anyway.  I can't even let myself think of the pain he was in...although heavily medicated, I know he felt horrible.  The doctor told them he would not make it through the night.  I was in Dallas...we were recording an album.  It was a Saturday night...I was at an Easter service with my roommate, Kim, and missed my dad's call.   As soon as the service was over I checked my voicemail.  It was bad news...I had to get to Breanne.  My roommate arranged my flight.  I would leave in two hours.  I rushed home and threw my stuff into a suitcase...not knowing what to expect, I packed a black dress.  I hoped I wouldn't need it.  Even as I put it into the suitcase I begged for Garrison to live.  

I arrived in Little Rock at around 10pm.  My dad picked me up and took me straight to the hospital.  When we got to the waiting room...mom and Breanne were in with Garrison.  Dad said we could both go back...it scared me because for all the seven weeks we were there only two at a time could go in to be with him.  I asked..."we can all be in there?"  Dad had a look on his face that I will never forget...he said "they are letting us all be in there for as long as we want."  It crushed me...I knew why.  When I went in, I saw Breanne holding Garrison's hand and singing to him...she looked so tired and so broken.  They asked her if she would like to hold him but told her that if she did, they would not be able to hook him back up to the machines. She wanted him to have the best chance possible and told them no.  I put my hands on his little chest...my fingers left impressions in his skin...I didn't know if I was hurting him but couldn't stand the thought of him not feeling our touch.  We all wanted so badly to comfort him.  My sister could no longer find the strength to sing to him so I began.  The only song in my head was the one we had recorded the day before in the studio.  It's on Kirk's last album...Fight Of My Life.  I sang to him as I lightly touched his chest.  Breanne held his hand.  At times you could tell he was crying but the tubes prevented any sound from coming out.  He was dying.  It was obvious but we continued to pray.  At around 1am all his vitals started plummeting.  I moved aside...could only see the back of the doctor's head...but I heard his words and I saw my sisters face.  "He's not with us anymore."  Breanne went straight for him.  The nurses had to stop her and told her gently that they must remove his tubes before she could hold him.  It would be the first time she held her little boy.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.  She had longed for this day to come...to hold him and kiss him.  It was not supposed to be like this!  My heart began to harden.  I was mad...mad at God.  What of the promises he had given us?  Why had he not healed him?  I was confused.  I screamed so loud that my mom had to push my head into her shoulder to muffle the cries.  It was too much to bear...I felt my heart breaking as if it literally had been torn from my chest...not as much for Garrison as for Breanne.  

We left Little Rock the next day.  I had tried to leave the night before and go home to my parents house and take down all of Garrison's things so my sister would not have to walk into what was supposed to be there.  My dad's truck just shut off as I was driving away and I had to stay.  Some friends of mine went in my place.  Each of them had lost a baby to miscarriage before and knew how Breanne would feel.  Although it was painful for them...they made the sacrifice.  It speaks volumes about their character.  When we drove away from the trailer a sound came from Breanne that I don't ever want to hear again as long as I live.  All those weeks and she left with only the belongings she had brought with her.  Her milk still swelling inside her...a constant reminder of what was lost.  To be honest, it seemed cruel.  My heart hardened even more.  The ride home was rough.  The first stop we had to make in Texarkana (a little over two hours away) was the funeral home.  Another church member and dear friend of the family had come the night before and taken Garrison's body from Children's hospital and brought him home.  Breanne had to pick out his casket.  Nothing will ever prepare you for that.  Seeing those tiny little coffins was enough to send us all back into tears.  She picked a white cloth one. 

 

The funeral was beautiful...a celebration of his life.  He was buried in a little cemetery down the street from my parents house.  They bought plots at the same time so when the Lord takes them home they will lay beside our beloved little Garrison.  

It has been a year and 4 months since he died.  The pain has let up a little.  Garrison has a little brother, Gage, that knows nothing of his brave big brother yet.  But we will tell him all about him when the time comes.  

In Garrison's short life, he had no voice but spoke volumes about Christ.  Many people came back to the Lord...many prayed non-stop for him that had not prayed in a very long time...he changed people's lives.  He brought our church together at a much needed time.  These are only the obvious things that Christ did through his life.  We will never know the full extent of what the Lord did through him.  

I mentioned my heart hardening toward God.  It only took one night to melt it again.  Breanne had come to stay with me shortly after the funeral.  We had been talking about getting tattoos and were looking up some scripture and it's meaning online.  We looked up Psalm 34:19.  The scripture that we had claimed for Garrison.  I was not prepared for what we found.  It is written in Hebrew on the inside of my left forearm.  

The website is called "Hebrew for Christians" and this is what it said.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. Psalm 34:19"

in Hebrew...

'rabbot ra'ot tzaddik, u'mikkullam yatzilenu Adonai'  

'will deliver him' in Hebrew is 'yatzilenu' which comes from the word 'natzal', a verb that means to ' physically snatch away'...

Lord, forgive my unbelief.  

The promise was true.  He will never fail us.  He is sovereign.  He is faithful.  He will never lie.  

BELIEVE!!!!!

and a few pictures to put faces to the names in this story.  The one above is my tattoo..."The Lord will deliver him." in hebrew.

My sister...these were taken a few weeks after Garrison died...when she was in Dallas with me.

And Garrison's little brother Gage...taken just a few days ago.

The bottom picture of Breanne shows the tattoo she got...the inside of her wrist..."Stinker" what she called Garrison.    

 

Part 3

On February 22nd Garrison was transferred to Children's Hospital because of an opening in one of the valves in his heart that required surgery.  I followed the ambulance the very short distance because Breanne needed her rest and she didn't want him to be alone.  They told us there was no risk in his transport and he would be comfortable.  They assured us that it would cause him no stress.  I watched as they rolled him out of the elevator...they had put a tshirt on him that was way too big!  He looked so cute.  Once he was settled in his new nicu they had Breanne fill out all the paper work for his surgery.  We had been praying since the day we found out about the valve that the Lord would close it.  After they ran the tests at Children's...they found that the valve had only a tiny opening and they would not have to do the surgery until he was older...maybe not at all if it closed on it's own.  We had faith.  That afternoon in the waiting room when they told us the news of not needing the surgery, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me that Garrison was there for a reason...that he would go through something really bad but would be okay.  When I think back now, I think the Lord was preparing my heart for what was to come...actually, I know he was.  

It was pretty much smooth sailing for the next few weeks.  He did very well at Children's.  He ended up having to have the surgery to close the valve in his heart.  The procedure has a 98% success rate and we found comfort in that.  They did the surgery at his bedside.  Making a small incision on his back they go in and staple the valve shut.  It was successful and his pulse ox and heart rate improved almost immediately after his recovery.  Through the weeks we had a few set backs but nothing substantial.  His urine output was a concern and the meds they gave him seemed to improve it.  His lungs were some of the worst they had ever seen but he seemed to be hanging in there and there was hope that he would be off the ventilator on schedule.  

On March 20th Breanne...having a mother's intuition...noticed that Garrison was not himself.  He was a fiery little guy!  He would show his temper when the nurses would do something to him that he didn't like.  Things like taking his temp...really anything they did he let them know that he wanted them to leave him alone.  His pulse ox would drop and he would de-sat.  They told Breanne she would have her hands full with this little one!  :-)  At one point during his stay in the nicu he clamped down on his tubes and refused to let go, causing all his levels to drop dramatically.  Breanne and I were just standing there...watching...worried sick.  It was a scary helpless feeling.  They got him back to normal and explained everything to us.  They said that he basically had had a temper tantrum.  Hilarious!  So, when he wasn't himself that night, Breanne began to wonder if something was wrong.  

On the 21st, the doctor told us that Garrison had three infections in his body.  An infection in his blood, his trachea, and pneumonia.  The news was devastating.  Knowing that his lungs were already in bad shape, we knew an infection would only worsen the problem.   We prayed and trusted God that he would be healed and get back on the road to recovery.  Breanne longed to hold him...I could feel it every time she went to sit at his bedside.  They had shown her a video on Kangaroo Care and she knew how important that would be for his journey.  He was never at a place for her to do so.  She says now that when she never got to hold him she knew what was to come.  She did not expect him to live although she had faith that God could do anything.  I guess, as a mother, you would sense such things.  I was so proud of her...how she held to her faith and trusted the Lord at every turn...good and bad.  

On the 22nd, Garrison was doing about the same and since there was no change...Breanne asked mom to take her back to the trailer to get some rest (worried about her milk production) and asked mom to sit with him from 7-9.  The nicu closed at 9 every night.  As mom was on her way back to the trailer, a car pulled in front of her for a few seconds and then moved back into the other lane.  Mom has a habit of reading license plates and she saw that this one said Psalm 34.  Knowing it was no coincidence, she read it as soon as she got back to the hospital...then opened Garrison's bed and shared it with him...over and over and over.  Before I share what it said, I told you in the last post that we didn't stay with my aunt the whole time.  A precious member of our church had just gotten a brand new camper trailer and offered for us to stay in it for the duration of our stay in Little Rock.  It was a really nice one with two bedrooms, a kitchen, living, and dining room...oh, and a flat screen!!  :-)  It was about 10-15 minutes closer to the hospital than my aunt's house.  This is just one of the ways that our church family blessed us during the time Garrison was with us. 

 

Okay...so Psalm 34.  The whole chapter is great (I can't share it all here but encourage you to read it for yourself). It all spoke to our situation but verse 19 was the one we claimed.  "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of every one."  We felt as though the Lord had given us a promise.  He would heal Garrison and deliver him from all the infection.  Our interpretation of the scripture is what we clung to.  I know I did!  Let me just say, God was never more real to me than in the seven weeks that Garrison was with us.  He was clear even in the darkness of those bad days.  He gave peace when all we heard was bad news.  

I told you that I would share the meaning of Garrison's name...before I forget...let me do that.  Garrison means, troops in battle.  Manning means, son of the hero.  God knew what he was doing when he placed the names in Bre's mind, for he definitely fought a great battle and was most definitely the son of our Hero!!!  What a mighty God we serve!  It is a reminder that he is in control of EVERYTHING...even when we are unaware.  

More tomorrow...here are some pictures of our little trooper!

Minimal stimulation...Garrison Manning Part 2

That night was so intense...the night he was born.  I don't remember what took place after we prayed with Breanne and they took Garrison away.  It was a sick feeling.  I knew they had to take him and get him hooked up to everything in the nicu but every moment he was out of our sight was scary.  When I could see him I could see that he was alive...that nothing was going wrong...that we still had him.  But when he left our sight we didn't know if they would come back and say he didn't make it or tell us something had gone wrong.  I worried about my sister so much...what would happen if...

They moved her into a recovery room.  She shared it with another mother...I can't remember her name but she was sweet and we knew she was going through the same thing that Breanne was.  Maybe they could comfort each other somehow.  The doctor came in and told us the horrible truth behind what Garrison was up against.  He could have a brain bleed at any moment which could cause him a great deal of damage.  Even a small bleed could damage his brain and have life long repercussions.   They were doing research on bleeds in preemies so they asked if Garrison could be part of it.  Breanne agreed after being reassured there was no pain in it.  They just did extra scans of his brain each day to study it.  Extra care couldn't hurt right??  

For the first week, Garrison was on minimal stimulation.  He could only be touched by the nurses and even they didn't touch him unless absolutely necessary.  He was hooked up to all kinds of tubes...laying in an open bed covered in plastic wrap.  The plastic wrap kept him warm.  Remember his skin was only three cells thick at this time.  He had a light on him to help keep him from being jaundice.  To protect his eyes from the light...although fused together...he had on a tiny blindfold.   He had on a little crochet hat that they said little elderly women make for the preemies to wear.  It was cute!  He only wore a cotton ball over him to catch the urine because a diaper would be to much contact with his thin skin.  It was a horrible

 sight.  I don't think I got to see him until the next week.  They only let the parents and grandparents in for the first week.  They would bring out pictures and video with them and we would gather around in the waiting room to see our little man.  Breanne had told us that she would not be leaving him while he was in the hospital and we knew not to argue.  We didn't want to leave him either.  He would be in the hospital at least three to four months before he could go home.  She had to stay in the hospital for two days, I think.  We weren't allowed to spend the night with her for some reason.  I was not happy about leaving her.  

The day her roommate was being released, she was telling us about her little girl and how she was doing.  I asked what she had named her.  She told me her name and Breanne and I both looked at each other...she had the name Manning.  Breanne had thought the name sounded good with Garrison before but hearing it again she said..."I guess his middle name is supposed to be Manning."   She was struggling with his name which is way too long a story to tell here but she had her answer that day.  Garrison Manning...he had a name! 

We camped out in the UAMS waiting room from morning to night...we got there when it opened and left when it closed.  We were usually the only ones in there.  Most of the parents lived too far away or couldn't afford to stay with their children.  That broke my heart.  If they would have let me, I would have visited every one of the babies everyday and sang to them as they lay there fighting for their lives.  You aren't allowed to be near the babies unless you're family...totally understandable!  I know the nurses talked to them...I would hear them when I was in there.  Saying sweet things to them with a tone that made me want to cry.  

We stayed with my aunt who lives in Little Rock...and by that, I mean, we slept there.   I know that part of the reason God moved her to Little Rock was because of those seven weeks.  She and Terri were so amazing!  They would come and bring us snacks while we 

waited all day at the hospital and gave up there beds for us.  We didn't stay there the whole

 time but more on that later.

There are several parts of this story that are move vivid in my mind than others.  This is one of them.  It was the second week.  I was in the nicu with Breanne and we were just sitting there staring at him.  He was so tiny and fragile.  The nurse asked Breanne if she wanted to touch him.  He had been taken off of minimal stimulation.  Finally, the first moment of physical contact with her little boy...a week later after he had left her body.  Tears are coming as I think of how she must have felt in that moment.  She held his little hand...he instinctively grabbed hold of her finger...mother and baby have there first sweet moment together. 

this is Garrison's second week...I didn't think it was a good idea to post a picture of his first week.  I'll just say, as pitiful as he looks in these, there was much improvement from the first.
breanne holding her hand out to show how small he is...she has very small hands so you can only imagine.
one of his diapers...he started wearing them the second week...the same size as a juice cup.  :-)