Garrison Manning Guilbert...final post.

When Garrison was born on the 14th I asked a friend to start up a prayer website for him.  It was a way for Breanne and the rest of us to see the number of people praying for her "wittle man".  A few days later someone told me about a website that was for people like us...families with loved ones in the hospital...a way for everyone at home to keep up with Garrison's progress and a direct line for prayer requests.  It was such a blessing and I recommend it to anyone who has a sick loved one in the hospital for a lengthy stay.  You can visit Garrison's page...it's still up...at caringbridge.org.  Go to the VISIT link at the top of the page and when the page loads type in garrsionguilbert in the first box and enter.  The journal has every post we ever wrote and also has all of the entries in the guestbook that were ever written.  It will take you a long time to read the story but it has much more detail then I could write here.  I have spent the entire night reading it all again...reliving it...which brought back many memories.  I have cried as if it happened yesterday.

From March 21st to April 7th we held strong to our faith.  We knew that God could, at any moment, completely heal Garrison of all his infection.  We had the promise and the hope of Psalm 34:19 to hold strong to.  Garrison's urine output had been so little that he tripled in size.  He looked like a different baby.  He was on heavy sedation and given morphine for the pain.  There were life saving measures that needed to be taken but the doctor could do none of them in his present state.  At one point he started peeing again and we prayed and prayed for more.  We cried out to Lord for his healing.  My daddy literally screamed at the top of his lungs for it.  He would go out into the yard...my parents live in the country...and cry out to the Lord on Garrison's behalf.  Thinking of that makes me proud but also brings tears to my eyes.  We WANTED him!!!  We didn't want to live our lives without Garrison.  We had a strong bond with him.  We knew if we felt the way we did that Breanne must have felt it a thousand times stronger.  We also knew how much more God loved him...for He had written his story and knew it play by play...moment by moment.  

Garrison did not improve.  He didn't get worse but he didn't get any better.  It was the 6th of April when the doctor told mom and Breanne that there was nothing more that he could do for Garrison...that it was up to him now.   We knew who it was up to...the Healer himself.  And we trusted him.  We held tight to our faith and would not waiver.  

His little body was full of fluid.  I can not even bring myself to share with you the effects his illness had on him...the ones we could see anyway.  I can't even let myself think of the pain he was in...although heavily medicated, I know he felt horrible.  The doctor told them he would not make it through the night.  I was in Dallas...we were recording an album.  It was a Saturday night...I was at an Easter service with my roommate, Kim, and missed my dad's call.   As soon as the service was over I checked my voicemail.  It was bad news...I had to get to Breanne.  My roommate arranged my flight.  I would leave in two hours.  I rushed home and threw my stuff into a suitcase...not knowing what to expect, I packed a black dress.  I hoped I wouldn't need it.  Even as I put it into the suitcase I begged for Garrison to live.  

I arrived in Little Rock at around 10pm.  My dad picked me up and took me straight to the hospital.  When we got to the waiting room...mom and Breanne were in with Garrison.  Dad said we could both go back...it scared me because for all the seven weeks we were there only two at a time could go in to be with him.  I asked..."we can all be in there?"  Dad had a look on his face that I will never forget...he said "they are letting us all be in there for as long as we want."  It crushed me...I knew why.  When I went in, I saw Breanne holding Garrison's hand and singing to him...she looked so tired and so broken.  They asked her if she would like to hold him but told her that if she did, they would not be able to hook him back up to the machines. She wanted him to have the best chance possible and told them no.  I put my hands on his little chest...my fingers left impressions in his skin...I didn't know if I was hurting him but couldn't stand the thought of him not feeling our touch.  We all wanted so badly to comfort him.  My sister could no longer find the strength to sing to him so I began.  The only song in my head was the one we had recorded the day before in the studio.  It's on Kirk's last album...Fight Of My Life.  I sang to him as I lightly touched his chest.  Breanne held his hand.  At times you could tell he was crying but the tubes prevented any sound from coming out.  He was dying.  It was obvious but we continued to pray.  At around 1am all his vitals started plummeting.  I moved aside...could only see the back of the doctor's head...but I heard his words and I saw my sisters face.  "He's not with us anymore."  Breanne went straight for him.  The nurses had to stop her and told her gently that they must remove his tubes before she could hold him.  It would be the first time she held her little boy.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.  She had longed for this day to come...to hold him and kiss him.  It was not supposed to be like this!  My heart began to harden.  I was mad...mad at God.  What of the promises he had given us?  Why had he not healed him?  I was confused.  I screamed so loud that my mom had to push my head into her shoulder to muffle the cries.  It was too much to bear...I felt my heart breaking as if it literally had been torn from my chest...not as much for Garrison as for Breanne.  

We left Little Rock the next day.  I had tried to leave the night before and go home to my parents house and take down all of Garrison's things so my sister would not have to walk into what was supposed to be there.  My dad's truck just shut off as I was driving away and I had to stay.  Some friends of mine went in my place.  Each of them had lost a baby to miscarriage before and knew how Breanne would feel.  Although it was painful for them...they made the sacrifice.  It speaks volumes about their character.  When we drove away from the trailer a sound came from Breanne that I don't ever want to hear again as long as I live.  All those weeks and she left with only the belongings she had brought with her.  Her milk still swelling inside her...a constant reminder of what was lost.  To be honest, it seemed cruel.  My heart hardened even more.  The ride home was rough.  The first stop we had to make in Texarkana (a little over two hours away) was the funeral home.  Another church member and dear friend of the family had come the night before and taken Garrison's body from Children's hospital and brought him home.  Breanne had to pick out his casket.  Nothing will ever prepare you for that.  Seeing those tiny little coffins was enough to send us all back into tears.  She picked a white cloth one. 

 

The funeral was beautiful...a celebration of his life.  He was buried in a little cemetery down the street from my parents house.  They bought plots at the same time so when the Lord takes them home they will lay beside our beloved little Garrison.  

It has been a year and 4 months since he died.  The pain has let up a little.  Garrison has a little brother, Gage, that knows nothing of his brave big brother yet.  But we will tell him all about him when the time comes.  

In Garrison's short life, he had no voice but spoke volumes about Christ.  Many people came back to the Lord...many prayed non-stop for him that had not prayed in a very long time...he changed people's lives.  He brought our church together at a much needed time.  These are only the obvious things that Christ did through his life.  We will never know the full extent of what the Lord did through him.  

I mentioned my heart hardening toward God.  It only took one night to melt it again.  Breanne had come to stay with me shortly after the funeral.  We had been talking about getting tattoos and were looking up some scripture and it's meaning online.  We looked up Psalm 34:19.  The scripture that we had claimed for Garrison.  I was not prepared for what we found.  It is written in Hebrew on the inside of my left forearm.  

The website is called "Hebrew for Christians" and this is what it said.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of them all. Psalm 34:19"

in Hebrew...

'rabbot ra'ot tzaddik, u'mikkullam yatzilenu Adonai'  

'will deliver him' in Hebrew is 'yatzilenu' which comes from the word 'natzal', a verb that means to ' physically snatch away'...

Lord, forgive my unbelief.  

The promise was true.  He will never fail us.  He is sovereign.  He is faithful.  He will never lie.  

BELIEVE!!!!!

and a few pictures to put faces to the names in this story.  The one above is my tattoo..."The Lord will deliver him." in hebrew.

My sister...these were taken a few weeks after Garrison died...when she was in Dallas with me.

And Garrison's little brother Gage...taken just a few days ago.

The bottom picture of Breanne shows the tattoo she got...the inside of her wrist..."Stinker" what she called Garrison.    

 

Part 3

On February 22nd Garrison was transferred to Children's Hospital because of an opening in one of the valves in his heart that required surgery.  I followed the ambulance the very short distance because Breanne needed her rest and she didn't want him to be alone.  They told us there was no risk in his transport and he would be comfortable.  They assured us that it would cause him no stress.  I watched as they rolled him out of the elevator...they had put a tshirt on him that was way too big!  He looked so cute.  Once he was settled in his new nicu they had Breanne fill out all the paper work for his surgery.  We had been praying since the day we found out about the valve that the Lord would close it.  After they ran the tests at Children's...they found that the valve had only a tiny opening and they would not have to do the surgery until he was older...maybe not at all if it closed on it's own.  We had faith.  That afternoon in the waiting room when they told us the news of not needing the surgery, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me that Garrison was there for a reason...that he would go through something really bad but would be okay.  When I think back now, I think the Lord was preparing my heart for what was to come...actually, I know he was.  

It was pretty much smooth sailing for the next few weeks.  He did very well at Children's.  He ended up having to have the surgery to close the valve in his heart.  The procedure has a 98% success rate and we found comfort in that.  They did the surgery at his bedside.  Making a small incision on his back they go in and staple the valve shut.  It was successful and his pulse ox and heart rate improved almost immediately after his recovery.  Through the weeks we had a few set backs but nothing substantial.  His urine output was a concern and the meds they gave him seemed to improve it.  His lungs were some of the worst they had ever seen but he seemed to be hanging in there and there was hope that he would be off the ventilator on schedule.  

On March 20th Breanne...having a mother's intuition...noticed that Garrison was not himself.  He was a fiery little guy!  He would show his temper when the nurses would do something to him that he didn't like.  Things like taking his temp...really anything they did he let them know that he wanted them to leave him alone.  His pulse ox would drop and he would de-sat.  They told Breanne she would have her hands full with this little one!  :-)  At one point during his stay in the nicu he clamped down on his tubes and refused to let go, causing all his levels to drop dramatically.  Breanne and I were just standing there...watching...worried sick.  It was a scary helpless feeling.  They got him back to normal and explained everything to us.  They said that he basically had had a temper tantrum.  Hilarious!  So, when he wasn't himself that night, Breanne began to wonder if something was wrong.  

On the 21st, the doctor told us that Garrison had three infections in his body.  An infection in his blood, his trachea, and pneumonia.  The news was devastating.  Knowing that his lungs were already in bad shape, we knew an infection would only worsen the problem.   We prayed and trusted God that he would be healed and get back on the road to recovery.  Breanne longed to hold him...I could feel it every time she went to sit at his bedside.  They had shown her a video on Kangaroo Care and she knew how important that would be for his journey.  He was never at a place for her to do so.  She says now that when she never got to hold him she knew what was to come.  She did not expect him to live although she had faith that God could do anything.  I guess, as a mother, you would sense such things.  I was so proud of her...how she held to her faith and trusted the Lord at every turn...good and bad.  

On the 22nd, Garrison was doing about the same and since there was no change...Breanne asked mom to take her back to the trailer to get some rest (worried about her milk production) and asked mom to sit with him from 7-9.  The nicu closed at 9 every night.  As mom was on her way back to the trailer, a car pulled in front of her for a few seconds and then moved back into the other lane.  Mom has a habit of reading license plates and she saw that this one said Psalm 34.  Knowing it was no coincidence, she read it as soon as she got back to the hospital...then opened Garrison's bed and shared it with him...over and over and over.  Before I share what it said, I told you in the last post that we didn't stay with my aunt the whole time.  A precious member of our church had just gotten a brand new camper trailer and offered for us to stay in it for the duration of our stay in Little Rock.  It was a really nice one with two bedrooms, a kitchen, living, and dining room...oh, and a flat screen!!  :-)  It was about 10-15 minutes closer to the hospital than my aunt's house.  This is just one of the ways that our church family blessed us during the time Garrison was with us. 

 

Okay...so Psalm 34.  The whole chapter is great (I can't share it all here but encourage you to read it for yourself). It all spoke to our situation but verse 19 was the one we claimed.  "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him out of every one."  We felt as though the Lord had given us a promise.  He would heal Garrison and deliver him from all the infection.  Our interpretation of the scripture is what we clung to.  I know I did!  Let me just say, God was never more real to me than in the seven weeks that Garrison was with us.  He was clear even in the darkness of those bad days.  He gave peace when all we heard was bad news.  

I told you that I would share the meaning of Garrison's name...before I forget...let me do that.  Garrison means, troops in battle.  Manning means, son of the hero.  God knew what he was doing when he placed the names in Bre's mind, for he definitely fought a great battle and was most definitely the son of our Hero!!!  What a mighty God we serve!  It is a reminder that he is in control of EVERYTHING...even when we are unaware.  

More tomorrow...here are some pictures of our little trooper!

Minimal stimulation...Garrison Manning Part 2

That night was so intense...the night he was born.  I don't remember what took place after we prayed with Breanne and they took Garrison away.  It was a sick feeling.  I knew they had to take him and get him hooked up to everything in the nicu but every moment he was out of our sight was scary.  When I could see him I could see that he was alive...that nothing was going wrong...that we still had him.  But when he left our sight we didn't know if they would come back and say he didn't make it or tell us something had gone wrong.  I worried about my sister so much...what would happen if...

They moved her into a recovery room.  She shared it with another mother...I can't remember her name but she was sweet and we knew she was going through the same thing that Breanne was.  Maybe they could comfort each other somehow.  The doctor came in and told us the horrible truth behind what Garrison was up against.  He could have a brain bleed at any moment which could cause him a great deal of damage.  Even a small bleed could damage his brain and have life long repercussions.   They were doing research on bleeds in preemies so they asked if Garrison could be part of it.  Breanne agreed after being reassured there was no pain in it.  They just did extra scans of his brain each day to study it.  Extra care couldn't hurt right??  

For the first week, Garrison was on minimal stimulation.  He could only be touched by the nurses and even they didn't touch him unless absolutely necessary.  He was hooked up to all kinds of tubes...laying in an open bed covered in plastic wrap.  The plastic wrap kept him warm.  Remember his skin was only three cells thick at this time.  He had a light on him to help keep him from being jaundice.  To protect his eyes from the light...although fused together...he had on a tiny blindfold.   He had on a little crochet hat that they said little elderly women make for the preemies to wear.  It was cute!  He only wore a cotton ball over him to catch the urine because a diaper would be to much contact with his thin skin.  It was a horrible

 sight.  I don't think I got to see him until the next week.  They only let the parents and grandparents in for the first week.  They would bring out pictures and video with them and we would gather around in the waiting room to see our little man.  Breanne had told us that she would not be leaving him while he was in the hospital and we knew not to argue.  We didn't want to leave him either.  He would be in the hospital at least three to four months before he could go home.  She had to stay in the hospital for two days, I think.  We weren't allowed to spend the night with her for some reason.  I was not happy about leaving her.  

The day her roommate was being released, she was telling us about her little girl and how she was doing.  I asked what she had named her.  She told me her name and Breanne and I both looked at each other...she had the name Manning.  Breanne had thought the name sounded good with Garrison before but hearing it again she said..."I guess his middle name is supposed to be Manning."   She was struggling with his name which is way too long a story to tell here but she had her answer that day.  Garrison Manning...he had a name! 

We camped out in the UAMS waiting room from morning to night...we got there when it opened and left when it closed.  We were usually the only ones in there.  Most of the parents lived too far away or couldn't afford to stay with their children.  That broke my heart.  If they would have let me, I would have visited every one of the babies everyday and sang to them as they lay there fighting for their lives.  You aren't allowed to be near the babies unless you're family...totally understandable!  I know the nurses talked to them...I would hear them when I was in there.  Saying sweet things to them with a tone that made me want to cry.  

We stayed with my aunt who lives in Little Rock...and by that, I mean, we slept there.   I know that part of the reason God moved her to Little Rock was because of those seven weeks.  She and Terri were so amazing!  They would come and bring us snacks while we 

waited all day at the hospital and gave up there beds for us.  We didn't stay there the whole

 time but more on that later.

There are several parts of this story that are move vivid in my mind than others.  This is one of them.  It was the second week.  I was in the nicu with Breanne and we were just sitting there staring at him.  He was so tiny and fragile.  The nurse asked Breanne if she wanted to touch him.  He had been taken off of minimal stimulation.  Finally, the first moment of physical contact with her little boy...a week later after he had left her body.  Tears are coming as I think of how she must have felt in that moment.  She held his little hand...he instinctively grabbed hold of her finger...mother and baby have there first sweet moment together. 

this is Garrison's second week...I didn't think it was a good idea to post a picture of his first week.  I'll just say, as pitiful as he looks in these, there was much improvement from the first.
breanne holding her hand out to show how small he is...she has very small hands so you can only imagine.
one of his diapers...he started wearing them the second week...the same size as a juice cup.  :-)

David and Goliath

I am so sorry that I have not posted the next part of Garrison's story yet.  I have been out of town but I will post the next part of the story tomorrow!  Thanks for being patient with me!  I do want to share something that Kirk shared with us on this trip.  

I should start by reminding you of my time with the Lord a few mornings ago.  The "change the thinking...change the person" post.  I asked God to show me how to change my thinking and he started with this...

We all know the story of David and Goliath, right?  Well, I have never really noticed the few words that Kirk pointed out to us yesterday.  1 Samuel 17:48..."As Goliath moved closer to attack, David quickly ran out to meet him."  If you are not familiar with the story and don't know the odds that were against David, I encourage you to read the story in it's entirety in 1 Samuel 17.

How many of us have giants in our own lives that come to attack us on a daily basis?  Whether it be addiction, self image, pride, hatred, jealousy, etc.  How many of us actually run out to meet our giants as David did...ready to show the world what the Lord can do in the most unlikely ways...using us...the most unlikely of warriors?  But doesn't he do just that?  If we really believed that, would we not run out to meet the giants in our lives so the world would see the glory of God through it?  I am challenged today as I really think about what that means for me.  I know something of what the Lord wants from me and can no longer be ignorant to it.  He has called me to face the giants in my life like David did...not waiting in the shadows for them to find me and kill me but by running out to meet them...conquer them with the power that he has given me so that the world might see his glory and know that he is a righteous God...a God that can do the "impossible"!  I am not powerless to my enemy!  He has no authority over me...I'm covered with the blood of the Lamb!  And SO ARE YOU...if you've accepted him as your Savior.  So run out and meet those "giants" in your life with the power that Jesus Christ has given you!  You no longer have to hide...run out to meet them!

"Remember , dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes, or powerful, or wealthy when God called you.  Instead, God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.  And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful.  God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important so that no one can ever boast in the presence of God."  1 Corinthians 1:26-29

"For nothing is impossible with God."  Luke 1:37

Garrison Manning

The story begins with a phone call.  Breanne, my sister, called me to tell me she was pregnant.  I was the first in the family to know about it.  It was not something to be proud of because my sister was unmarried at the time and seeing how we, the Guilbert kids, are ministers kids...well, you can just imagine.  I'll say it now because I may forget later in the story, that our church family was very supportive of Breanne and the entire family throughout the twenty-three weeks she was pregnant and especially in the seven weeks that Garrison was alive.  I will forever be grateful to Trinity Baptist Church for their love and compassion on us.  

My sister and I have not always had the best relationship.  I am ten years older than her.  I have always been motherly.  When I was little I would ask kids that were no more than an inch shorter than me if they "wanted me to hold them?"  When she came, I instantly adopted her...not only as a sister but MY baby too.  I loved to take care of her.  I helped my mom with her so much that she started calling me mommy.  When I was around eighteen or nineteen the Lord made it clear to me that the way I treated her...which must not have been good...was shaping her self esteem and I needed to value her and help to build her up, not tear her down.  Something changed inside of me and I began to do just that.  I loved her to the best of my ability and it showed.  We became very close.  She is...to this day...the only person that can make me laugh real tears!  I had no idea what the future held and how my love for her would grow and change.  

Back to the phone call...

I tried the best I knew how to encourage her that day.  I promised her that I would not tell our parents the news...we both agreed that she should tell them.  I will never forget her telling me his name.  I knew she had named him so that she would not do anything to harm him or "fix" her problem.  I knew God was doing something.  She said..."I have already given him a name...do you want to know what it is?"  She didn't know he was a boy then...it was too early.   She said..."his name is Garrison!"  I instantly loved it.  I would find out later the meaning of his name and how appropriate it was for his journey.  

The day finally came that she called mom and dad and told them she had something to tell them and asked them to meet her at their house.  I was there...in from Dallas...and I think I was supposed to leave the day before but decided to stay.  I was very proud of the way they handled the news.  They did not judge her...they loved her through it and if I ever, God forbid, have to be in the same situation...pray that I would be as loving to my child as they were to Breanne.  My dad said she was immediately to pack her things and move home with them.  

We became more and more excited about the baby...little Garrison...as the weeks went by.  The first grand baby and nephew was on his way into our family.  

At around twenty-three weeks pregnant, Breanne went to one of Brennan's (my youngest brother) basketball games with my parents on February 13th.  She complained of some cramping on the way home and just thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions.  She went to sleep that night but woke up very early in the morning complaining of pain so my parents took her to the hospital...she was in labor.  They tried to the best of their ability to stop the contractions but couldn't.  Arrangements were made for her to be sent to UAMS in Little Rock.  My parents called me that morning around 8:00 and told me what was going on.  At that point there was just talk about Little Rock but no decisions had been made.  When they called me a few hours later with the news of the transport, I got in my car and headed that way.  I was about an hour behind the ambulance.  When I got to UAMS, they had her in a room and were trying to stop the labor.  Nothing was working and it was apparent that he was coming...like it or not.  They wanted to try and hold her off for at least a week.  The survival rate would increase dramatically in a baby born at 24 weeks.   At around 8:00pm I had gone into the waiting room to talk to my sister-in-law, Jessica.  I was in the waiting room for about five minutes then headed back to check on Breanne.   Doctors and nurses were rushing around and going crazy...my heart sank.  I knew what was happening.  I ran back to the waiting room to tell Jessica and the others...I only remember saying..."she needs to push!"  Jessica, sweet sister, saw my face and the tears welling up in my eyes and hugged me.  I felt like I would be sick...knowing that what was about to happen should not be happening and knowing the outcome could be devastating.  It's funny, as I write this, I remember clearly that it never crossed my mind that he would die.  

February 14th...He arrived after only three pushes.  Our little Valentine...weighing in at only 1lb. 6oz. and 13 inches long.  I couldn't believe how tiny he was.  The doctor's

 rushed him out of the room.  They were gone for what seemed like an eternity.  When the doctor came back in she told us that they spent three minutes trying to resuscitate him and finally got him back.  "Three minutes?!?"  I prayed, "Lord, please don't let there be any brain damage!"  They brought him into the room...tiny little guy with tubes running everywhere and closed up in a plastic bed.  Eyes still fused shut...skin only three cells thick...lungs so premature that he could not breathe on his own.  Poor baby...you could tell he was crying but nothing was coming out.  The tubes would prevent us from ever hearing his little cry.  Breanne looked at him...crying and scared.  

They brought her a postcard size blue sheet of paper with is feet and hand prints on it.  Mom wanted to take a picture so I got the camera out and started snapping...pictures of Garrison...pictures of the little blue card and Breanne holding it.  She stopped me..."Please, I don't want very many pictures."  Crying...we held her.  We prayed...begging God to let him live.  I don't know, nor do I want to know, what was going through her mind at that moment.  I realized when she asked me not to take any pictures that she was scared to let herself think he would live...

but live he did!!    Part 2 tomorrow.

Tuesdays

I love Tuesdays!  It's a highlight of my week.  It's the night I go to church.  It's called Kairos...it means "a unique moment in time".  I just love it.  Pastor Mike is awesome.  He does something that I have never before been a part of.  It's usually before the message but sometimes he does it at the end.  He has us close our eyes and then leads us through a process.  It's never the same process but it's purpose is always the same.  He tells us to clear out all the clutter of the day...all the stress...all the to do's...everything that crowds our minds and keeps us from focusing on Jesus.  The first time I went and he did that I cried the whole time.  I realized how cluttered my mind is and how it leaves no room to think about the Lord.  It just sets up a time with you and God that is so precious.  I love it...did I mention that?!?!?!  :-)

Anyway...every now and then I help lead praise and worship.  It's great!   After kairos a few of us go to Stoney River to eat dinner.  We have the same waitress...Laura...every Tuesday.  She has our drinks memorized and brings them out without even asking.  We have a blast just enjoying each others company and laughing at each others stories.  I ate a salad last night and I am convinced that I burned up all the calories in it just laughing until midnight.  We stay well after closing...they don't get mad or try to get us to leave...they just let us stay.  Then we spend another 30 minutes in the parking lot laughing some more.  It's a great time.

I realize every time that I leave and head home how important fellowship and friendship is to me.  I also realize how much I isolate myself.  I leave with a healthy deposit in my "tank" and I feel so much better.  I also love it because my life is not very structured.  It creates a sense of normalcy in my life and I crave that.  I LOVE what I do...wouldn't trade it for the world but I sometimes don't know what to do with myself if I'm not doing music.  I don't think that's good.  At least, not for me.  So, I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me the very things that I need and I know He wants for me so early on here in Nashville.  I have some great friends who have adopted me into their lives and love me without even knowing me all that well yet.  I am so blessed to have them in my life and pray that God continues to bring people into my life like them.  

I'm going to start a new post that will probably be in parts tomorrow.  I am going to share the story of my first nephew...Garrison...with all of you.  Many already know his story but I told it to my brother's new pastor's wife the other day and decided that I don't talk about him enough.  What better way to do that than here.  I hope that you are blessed by his short seven weeks on this earth and that this little warrior will strengthen your faith as he has mine and countless others.  

Until then...

A little off...

I have been a really bad blogger!  I just realized that it's been a whole month since I posted last.  So....I thought I'd just give a little update and a promise to blog more...for the two people who read this stuff!!!  LOL.  

I have been in Nashville now for a little over a month.  I have been here a grand total of 12 days  in that month.  Ha.  I have finally had a full week...well almost...tomorrow makes a week.  Anyway, I haven't done much other than just work on decorating and organizing the house and hanging out with some friends.  I did an EMI showcase last Tuesday for a few artists...Jason Champion, Anthony Evans, and Heather Headley.  It was fun and it was a little exposure here in Nashville.  

I am getting used to living by myself.  It's not my favorite thing...being alone...but I realize that some alone time is good.  I have fun by myself for the most part...I used to think people that went to the movies and stuff by themselves were crazy but I like it from time to time.  I think I was built for companionship though...I can be in the room with someone else and not say a word and be perfectly content. 

Today has been a little difficult.  Don't really know why.  I have just felt a little down.  As I type this I'm tearing up...again, don't know why.  I woke up feeling a little raw.  It could be hormonal.  I'm sure it is.  I went out on the balcony to read this morning...a ritual of mine.  I love to read out there.  I finished a book out there the other night...stayed up until 4am.  I couldn't put the book down!  Anyway...it was exactly what I needed this morning.  I read a Max Lucado devotional...Grace For The Moment.  It's great.  I take the scripture and then read that whole chapter.  It just seems to work for me that way.  I'm not a close your eyes, open the bible,  read whatever your finger lands on kind of person.  LOL  So this system has been the best for me.  This is what I read...

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable....if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Philippians 4:8

Change the thoughts, and you will change the person.  If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love?  Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others? (or ourselves)

Paul says absolutely!  It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out.  We've got to let the good stuff in.  It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs.  We have to cultivate a list of blessings:  "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, thank about these things."  Thinking conveys the idea of pondering---studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.  

Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.

A Love Worth Giving

Max Lucado

This was such a sweet gift this morning from the Lord.  I woke up just feeling off...not that good about myself...down for no reason.  I hate that.  I have no idea what caused it other than remembering that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  Even my own flesh and blood.  I find it hard sometimes not to believe the lies that satan tells me.  I know he hates me and that I should give him no room at all but sometimes I believe him.  This morning and for most of the day today...I believed every word.  I have had a strong desire to know the Lord in a more real and personal way lately.  I long for it.  I should have known that he would fight me on it...that he would show up sooner or later.  Praise God that the battle for my soul was won on calvary and that he has no right to me because I've been bought with a price...a high price and nothing could ever separate me from the love of Christ!!!  

If you feel defeated or depressed or if you have a hard time taking those lies captive...like I do sometimes.  I pray for you along with myself in the battle for our minds.  Satan knows exactly what to tell us and what we will believe.  I, for instance...as a great friend so gently put it...will believe a lie before I will believe the truth.  Unfortunately, he was right.  So...If you tend to do the same thing...do what he told me to do.  FIGHT FOR THE TRUTH...simply said but hard work!  We can do it!!!!  God has given us the instructions to do so....

"For this reason, take up the whole armor of God so that you may be able to take a stand whenever evil comes.  And when you have done everything you could, you will be able to stand firm.  Stand firm, therefore, having fastened the belt of truth around your waist, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and being firm-footed in the gospel of peace.  In addition to having clothed yourselves with these things, having taken up the shield of faith, with which you will be able to put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one, also take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the WORD OF GOD."  Ephesians 6:13-17

STAND FIRM